Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains
by kasey8473
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. After escaping, she tries to deal with what happened. Warning: This work is dark and contains a scene of torture and rape. Season 3. Ch. 8 added. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains a scene with torture and rape.  
Timeframe: Takes place after Exodus Pt 1 in Kara's experiences but (obviously) strays from canon in what occurs.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: This work is dark and not very pleasant. Have I given enough warnings? Am somewhat nervous about posting this.

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Kara noticed he was different. He put Kacey to bed with little in the way of laughter. It wasn't normal. Leoben liked to play with Kacey at her bedtime, get her riled up and then tell her to go to sleep. As if a child so wound up could settle down. She crossed her arms and shook her head. What had happened? Why the change? Was he messing with her? Or did the toaster have real mood swings just like humans? 

Leoben had been distracted all evening, watching her more than usual, his eyes rarely leaving her save when he'd decided Kacey should go to bed. Kara had the strange feeling that he was regretting something, but what? She retreated to wash and dry the dishes from dinner. A nice, domestic chore that he enjoyed seeing her perform. It was also something to do to relieve the boredom of her evenings. The motions were repetitive, even soothing.

Leoben's voice was too low to hear the words. What was he telling Kacey? A story or was he just talking to her like Kara did? Gradually the sound of his voice faded away, silence descending. Kara worked in the silence, washing one dish, then the next, scrubbing the silverware and pans all in slow motions. He'd used a lot of pans and plates making dinner. It didn't matter if this task took her all night. She had the time.

With any luck, he would leave before she was done. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he left and she didn't know he was gone until she looked around the apartment. Small favors. Once the dishes were all washed, she began to dry them. As each thing was dried, she put it away, idly noting that several of the more deadly items were missing from the cabinets. She allowed an amused smile to curve her lips. Aww…Didn't he trust her anymore?

Finishing the last plate, she turned, discovering Leoben behind her. She hadn't heard him there. He stepped close, _too_ close, one arm slipping about her waist. "Back off there, Slick." Raising her right hand, she placed it on his chest, giving him a shove. It wasn't much of a shove and didn't really move him at all. He hardly swayed.

Leoben grasped her forearm. His grip was firm but not hurting. Still, he said nothing, merely stared at her with an unreadable expression.

"Let go already." Kara tugged and as she tugged, she was overcome by the _wrongness_ of the situation. The air between them had changed and if she was reading it right, it was for the worse. A shiver worked along her spine. "What?"

He took the dishtowel from her, set it aside. One finger raised, laid along his lips. "Sshhh. Not a word," he whispered, the hand holding her arm massaging. Embracing her again, he leaned in, ignoring her jerk backwards. When she had gone as far as she could go, he leaned in further. "I have to make you see," he whispered against her mouth.

Intent burned in his gaze and Kara felt his body tensing, strength coiling, that split-second notice she had that he was going to strike. She lashed out before he could, going for his eyes and missing, nails dragging down his cheek instead. His fingers tightened on her arm and then she was being turned, twisted, her arm behind her back and her body crashing into the wall with him slamming against her. Her arm was trapped between her back and the wall, his hand pressing.

All in seconds.

Something in her shoulder popped, agony so sharp that she couldn't even cry out as it took her over. Kara's eyes watered from it, her body jerking. Leoben didn't release her arm, keeping the pressure -- and the pain -- constant.

"Scream, Kara. You know you want to, but softly, hmm? Wouldn't want to wake Kacey and have her see mommy and daddy getting busy now would we? It might scar her for life."

Her free hand grasped his shirt, fingers struggling to work under the two shirts he wore to reach skin. Hurt him back. Have to hurt him back. The layers refused to cooperate, tangling and leaving her holding only cloth. She craved the feel of his skin tearing under her touch and the warmth of blood flowing over her fingers. She thought it would be pleasant to rip out his guts with her bare hands. "In your dreams," she gritted through clenched teeth, words tapering off into pants as she tried not to give him the satisfaction of a scream.

Kacey didn't need to see any of this.

"Frequently." His teeth flashed for an instant in more of a snarl than a smile, a predatory baring of teeth. That's what he was, a predator stalking her everywhere she went in this apartment. "I dream of you every night."

"Psycho," she spat. "Freak."

"We are what God makes us." Leoben added pressure to her arm.

Her shoulder felt stretched now, almost separate from her body. Nausea crawled about her belly and she wondered how upset he'd be if she tossed her dinner all over him. He'd taken such care to cook the meat the way she liked it….

"I don't want to hurt you, Kara, because I do love you, but this is to teach you a crucial lesson. We all need lessons from time to time. You're no different. This pain you're feeling…. It's aching and so blinding you can barely think."

Her glance strayed over his shoulder. Please, let Kacey still sleep!

"You and I both know you're no stranger to pain. You wallow in your pains, alternately wanting to end them and afraid to lose them."

Kara moaned, shaking her head. She kicked at his legs in frustration, unable to hook a foot and topple them. Unable to stop him. It occurred to her that every time she'd managed to hurt him, to kill him, it was because he had left himself open. He'd let her, hadn't he?

"Who would you be without the pain, Kara? We are here together on the precipice of change, dancing along the edge of that cliff pain, wanting to end it one way or another. Why fight it? Why fight _me_? You know there will be pleasure simply from the lessening of the pain."

With a twist of his hands, he realigned her shoulder. There was another pop and only his body pressing her to the wall kept her standing. His mouth swooped down on hers, swallowing her whimpers of relief. She couldn't avoid the contact, hated having to endure it.

Pulling back, he kissed her temple. "Feel it? Relief. Pleasure. The complete release of that pain into the sea of the past." His head lowered, lips caressing her injured shoulder. "There's a little numbness growing…" He gasped, breath hot, lean body moving, his hips grinding against hers. "…but it only heightens the relief. The pain of the moment is gone, Kara."

Horror blossomed with each suggestive motion he made. This was exciting him. Kara's upper lip curled. The sudden idea that she should have somehow remembered that fact surfaced. He was getting off on her pain and helplessness. It fed him. "You're a sick frakking toaster."

"So you tell me." Abruptly, he stepped back, releasing her from his grasp.

Kara's legs would not hold her and without him anchoring her, she slid to the floor, left hand moving to cup her right shoulder. She trembled, hate coloring her voice. "I'm going to kill you."

"I look forward to your next attempt." Stripping off the loose shirt, he tossed it aside, then removed the second shirt. "You're a delightfully inventive woman."

It always chilled her how very flat his gaze could be. "Lesson over, teacher? Is class dismissed?"

_Mommy and Daddy getting busy_, he'd said.

He laughed and crouched down at her feet. "In good time." Blood from the cut she'd inflicted was smeared along his cheek. Too bad she'd missed his eyes. Feeling one or both eyeballs pop like ripe grapes would have been satisfying, more so than that simple scratch.

Kara wondered when she'd become so violent in her desires.

Stretching out his hands, he grasped her ankles. "Kick me," he said in a pleasant tone, "and the pain from your shoulder will be a tickle compared to what I'll do to your legs."

"Liar." She narrowed her eyes, debating if one single kick was worth…what? What would he do? He'd hurt her now and then, rough her up the way he wanted in the course of supposed 'lessons', but nothing that left permanent marks. Each wound healed without a scar to show it on her body.

Her soul however. That was another matter. Kara didn't know how many scars a soul could handle, but was somewhat afraid he'd make her find out. He'd given her many soul-scars.

"Try me. Bodies heal, Kara, and everything I do will heal eventually." With a tug, she was on her back. Before she could come back with a comment or formulate some plan of action, he slanted a thoughtful glance at her, his fist striking down on her abdomen right in the solar plexis, crushing the breath, the very knowledge of how to breathe, from her.

It felt as though she'd fallen from a distance and landed flat on her back. No air went into her lungs. Black spots swam on her vision, his image tilting sharply. Her nausea increased, the possibility of losing her dinner becoming a real probability.

Gods! Help me!

"This lesson is not over until I tell you it is." He straddled her body, leaning down until his lips could brush hers. "We're moving on. You remember this part, I trust? It hasn't been that long."

Just when she thought she'd pass out from lack of oxygen, her body remembered the process of breathing. Blessed air entered her lungs and she threw her head back, drinking in that air, exposing her throat, but she didn't care.

His hand closed over her throat, squeezing and then he was upon her like an animal, all strength and aggression, working her clothes from her and when they wouldn't give, he tore them. A feral light claimed his eyes, madness glinting. It would remain until he was finished with her. It always remained until he looked down at her -- on the floor, couch, bed, wherever -- and then he'd begin babbling about love again and how much he loved her.

Yes, she _did_ remember this part after all.

Frak. Literally.

The rending sound of her clothes tearing was just one more thing that would haunt her later, a new pain to replace old ones. She knew her struggles were ineffectual, yet still she tried. Had to fight him until she couldn't do it anymore.

She bit her lip, blanking her mind during his assault. It wasn't happening. It never happened. Leave it all behind and visit a nice place. Kara held her breath, occasionally grimacing as she consciously felt him on her. The press of him inside her, the sensation of his hands and lips on her breasts. In her mind, she was back on Galactica and this was nothing more than a nightmare, conjured up in the darkest hours of the night. It wasn't real. It didn't happen.

But it did.

She didn't realize he'd finished with her until the cool air of the apartment brought goosebumps onto her skin. Kara stared up at him. Numbness worked through her, encased her and she let herself drown in it.

"Next time it'll be better," he said, fastening his pants and reaching for his shirts.

She remembered now that he said that every time. He claimed to love her, but there was no love in anything he did to her. Did he have any idea what sex with love felt like? No, how could he? He wasn't human and therefore couldn't feel love. "There won't be a next time."

Dressed, he knelt beside her, gently touching her shoulder. "Shall we bet on that?"

There would be a next time, and a next and so forth, despite her hopes to the contrary. He would get himself worked up over her and someday in the future, after her shoulder had healed, he'd feel the need for another 'lesson'. Those wants he suppressed while playing the nice guy would get the better of him. Kara almost wondered what he'd use as the basis for the next 'lesson' and decided she didn't give a damn.

He 'tsked', in 'normal mode', that caring, man-of-your-dreams act. He still tried to convince her he cared. "We'd better get this looked at. You go wash up and get dressed. I'll wake Kacey."

She slept in the bed that night, the one upstairs that Leoben wanted her to share with him, more because the couch hurt her shoulder than from a wanting of lying beside him. She drifted on a sea of drugs that kept the soreness of her shoulder at bay and giggled when she told him that Gaius Baltar was a better lay than he'd ever be, then giggled louder at the annoyance that crossed his face. It didn't escape her that she could hear her own hysteria.

"Maybe so," he tucked the covers about her, careful not to touch her shoulder, "but I'm willing to bet I'm far more memorable." With a kiss to her cheek, he turned out the lights.

In the morning, Kara found a pile of new clothes set on the end of the bed. She struggled into them, crying out a little when drawing on the shirt caused a ripple of pain in her shoulder. She sat still, toying with the hem of the shirt a long while before fumbling with the buttons down the front. There was no way she could wear her usual clothes. As she finished the final button, she stopped, taking a closer look at the shirt.

It was one of his.

"Frak," she whispered, but as it was too much trouble to remove it now that she'd spent what felt like half the morning trying to put it on, Kara decided to leave it. More time was spent trying to draw on and fasten her pants and once that was accomplished, Kara had abandoned the idea of shoes and socks. Moving hurt too much.

Padding down the stair, she saw Leoben and Kacey at the table. He had her on his lap and was singing to her as he made a stuffed animal dance on the table. She stared. Such a nice, normal domestic scene.

He paused, looking over at her. "Well there you are. I was beginning to think I'd have to come wake you. Want some breakfast? We waited for you." There was that reptilian coldness in his eyes again, just a machine going through the motions. He watched and waited, like he always did. Constantly watching. Constantly waiting. Didn't he ever get tired of it? With a blink, that coldness was gone, concern replacing it.

Kara let a small sigh slip from her. Another day in captivity. No different from others she'd endured. "No. I'll eat later."

"Nonsense." Leoben set Kacey down on the floor and handed her the toy. "You have to keep your strength up." He came to her, glance flicking to her shoulder and back. "Your medication is in the bathroom. Take it. You'll feel better. Breakfast in ten."

She took the medication and sat on the couch, watching Kacey play on the floor. There was a little numbness growing inside her and she leaned her head back, turning her regard to the ceiling. As she sat, she boxed away the events of the previous day in her mind and set them on a shelf with all of the others before locking that shelf and swearing she'd never let him add another memory to them. It didn't happen and never had. He'd hurt her shoulder, that was all. Maybe some day when Galactica returned and she was free…. Maybe then she'd remember those things she made herself forget and allow herself to contemplate them. Maybe.

For now however, it was _best_ to make herself forget. She couldn't function if she dwelled on it. She'd go honestly, frakking insane.

Her mind worked an inventory of all of the little things in the apartment and how she could kill him a sixth time. She'd have to plan better so as not to scar Kacey for life. No kid should see what she was going to do to Leoben.

"Set the table for me, Kara," he called out.

"Sure." She took great care in the placing of the silverware, but she was off in her own little world.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains torture and rape.  
Timeframe: Takes place after Exodus Pt 1 in Kara's experiences but (obviously) strays from canon in what occurs.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: As sometimes happens with my ideas, this one suddenly took off in my head. Have stretched the events taking place outside Kara's prison to line up with this work. Again, _not for the squeamish.

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_

Time went on. Kara's shoulder healed. How long had she been in this hell? He never told her any longer. Was it five months now? Six? How long _had_ it taken her shoulder to heal? Did she even care enough anymore to count the days as they passed? Questions that she knew would remain unanswered at present kept going through her mind.

Was Galactica out there? It was out there somewhere, but close? Were they planning a rescue; waiting for the right moment to swoop down and save them all? Or had they been left behind, given up as lost, casualties of war cut loose? She didn't want to consider the possibility. The very idea that she was going to be with Leoben the rest of her days had her skin crawling. What would she become if he had his way?

Was Sam alive? Leoben never mentioned him save for calling him the 'imposter husband' once, refusing to tell her if he was alive or if his illness those months ago had killed him. Was Sam looking for her right now or had he given up hope after so long?

And Kacey? Was Kacey really her child? At this question, she would touch the scar on her side, trace it with trembling fingertips. Kara couldn't think straight long enough to reason out the truth. They _had_ taken an ovary from her. What else could they have planned to do with it other than make a child? Leoben didn't always lie. Sometimes the truth he told was so real and harsh that it was like a knife gutting her.

Periodically, the sickening memories she'd boxed away would rise up and it was in those moments that Kara doubted her sanity. She doubted everything as she sat or stood frozen in place, her own mind subjecting her to the horror of Leoben's physical attacks on her. Those scenes scrolled across the screen of her mind, blending together, and when the last scene had played, Kara told herself that they were nightmares she'd had. She wrapped herself up so tightly in a blanket of denial that she began to honestly believe her own fiction. She was a strong woman, physically fit, _trained_ for frak's sake. Nothing like that could ever happen to her. Other women, yes, but not to her.

Still, she remained very aware of what he was capable of. Watchful and wary.

She laid her head on her arms and stared towards the window. She didn't bother opening the curtains anymore. There was nothing to see, nowhere to go. Kara wondered if she'd ever breathe fresh air again, or feel anything but artificial light on her skin. Kacey at least got to go outside. She was there right now, or so Leoben had told her. He'd mentioned something about a play-date as he'd zipped the girl into a light jacket and tied her shoes. Such a normal phrase. 'Play-date'. As though he was a normal father taking his daughter out while mommy rested at home. When they returned, Kacey would either be cranky and tired, with sticky spots on her cheeks from sweets, or she'd be sleeping with her head against Leoben's shoulder, the same sticky spots on her cheeks.

One of the two.

Kara didn't know what child or children Kacey played with. The thought of more kids socked away in this building was horrible. How many children were being kept here? Were they human? Or Cylon breeding experiments?

Pushing herself back, Kara slumped in the chair. She should to take a shower while they were gone and she still had an assurance of privacy. Maybe the heat of the water could ease some of the tension that was ever present along her shoulders and back. Not that it ever worked anymore. There was too much tension here to begin with. She sat awhile longer, staring at the wall without really seeing it, then stood and went into the bathroom.

More time was spent staring in the mirror at her reflection. With a sigh, she slowly slipped out of her clothes and started the water, adjusting the temperature until it was more hot than warm.

The door to the bathroom opened. Leoben leaned against the frame, hands in his pockets. He looked her up and down with a particularly satisfied expression.

Dragging a towel from the bar, she wrapped it around her. It was one thing to walk around naked with friends around, but another entirely to do so in front of him. "Get the frak out!" Why was he back so soon? Surely no more than half an hour had passed? Or had it been longer? How long had she stared into space, lost in her thoughts?

His lips curved just a little. "Have I told you recently how beautiful you are?" Stepping into the room, he carefully shut the door and came to her. Though she backed up to the point of stepping into the running water, it didn't deter him, he simply followed, unheedful of the water soaking his clothes. His hands raised, cupped her face, thumbs stroking her cheeks. One thumb slid along her lower lip. "You have a kissable mouth. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"You and a hundred others. What do you want," she gritted out through clenched teeth.

"What do _you_ want, Kara," he returned the question to her. Curiosity reflected in his eyes.

"I asked you first." She willed herself to remain wooden, perfectly still against him, her hands clenched tightly at her sides.

"I want…." His tongue touched the corner of his mouth, slid across his upper lip. For a second Kara thought he might actually tell her without any crap mixed in, but then he grinned as though a sudden idea hit him. "Would you like to go outside tomorrow? I'm fairly certain I can arrange it. Fresh air does wonders. No one can argue how _vigorous_ fresh air can make a body. We can walk together, look at the…scenery." His eyes narrowed. When she didn't answer immediately, he forced her back against the shower wall. Leoben's hands moved, embracing her, squeezing hard on first her arms and then her waist. The towel slipped a fraction.

Outside was a forbidden word in this apartment, never uttered in the context of her allowed places to be. To be outside was to be out of his full control. Did he mean it? Would he let her outside? Kara very much doubted it. This was a tease, a prelude to something else entirely. She couldn't help the flaring of hope inside her. To be outside was to have the chance, however slim, to escape him. It wasn't a probability, likely even outside the realm of _possibility_. There would be guards and above all, there would be him right there with her.

"I can see the wanting in your eyes, Kara. You want to go outside, maybe catch a glimpse of someone you know. What's it worth to you? Is it worth a hug? A kiss? More? What would you do for ten minutes of time outside?" One hand dipped under the towel to squeeze her rear.

"Go frak yourself," she whispered in the sweetest tone she could manage.

"Or twenty minutes?"

"Repeat the previous sentiment."

His fingers trailed along her thigh. "How about Kacey's life, then? What would you do to save her life? Would you kiss me and hold me and tell me you loved me? Let me hold you and touch you and teach you how much I love you? What is her life worth to you?"

A chill swept her. "You won't hurt her."

His gaze was unemotional, all semblance of emotion fading away. "Are you so sure of that?"

"You won't," she said again.

"Why not? Tell me why you think so. Maybe I…stole her away from a woman outside. What possible emotional connection could I claim to her then?"

"You said she's our daughter." She shook her head.

His features softened, and under different circumstances, his smile could have been considered charming. "And she is. She looks just like you. I had hoped she would."

"Then you won't harm her for…_emotional_ reasons."

His smile widened. "That's a good point, but we've had one child, Kara, we can have a second or more. One way or another. Plenty of eggs left in that ovary," his fingers smoothed along her cheek, "and in the one still inside you."

Anger heated her veins. Kara shoved him, drew her arm back and snapped a punch forward. The sound of her fist meeting his face was satisfying, until he returned the punch and she found herself crumpled on the floor of the shower stall, her lip bleeding. She swiped her thumb against the spot.

He took a fresh towel, blotted it against his face and neck. "I'll leave you awhile to think about it. Keep quiet now, Kacey's sleeping. Poor girl is all worn out."

Kara remained where she was for a long while, water pouring down upon her. The towel she'd wrapped around her was sopping wet, half-in and half-out of the stall. Would he really hurt Kacey if she didn't give him _something_? Kara had the idea he would.

A sense of unreality settled upon her as she stood, turned off the shower and dried off. Would a hug be hard to give him? Yes. Would it be enough to keep him from killing Kacey? Kara swallowed hard. Not at this juncture. He wouldn't take less than full physical contact, including willing kisses and the acceptance of such from him. Turning her head, she saw her reflection. Gods, she thought. Am I actually considering it? Her eyes were wide open, with dark smudges like bruises beneath them. She may be sleeping, but obviously wasn't resting when she did. Her lips looked bloodless, swelling slightly where he'd hit her.

Reaching out a hand, Kara picked up a jar, threw it as hard as she could at the mirror, then another and another. Anything that she touched, she threw. She didn't sob, refused to sob, for if she did so once, she'd begin howling and it was debatable whether or not she'd be able to stop. She felt like she was walking along a tightrope and there was no net beneath her. Any second she could go crashing down into insanity.

The mirror broke in jagged pieces and with a tinkling crash.

Kara paused, the glimpse of herself in that mirror stopping her. Her image was splintered, as broken as the mirror. Dropping the last jar she'd grabbed, she raised her fingers to her mouth, covered it. Her reflection did the same.

This is what he's done to me, she thought.

Leoben had fractured her beyond all recognition of herself. So many pieces scattered, missing, crushed. Not whole. Her gaze searched her mirrored gaze, then studied what she saw. Where was Starbuck? She saw no evidence of Starbuck there. For that matter…where was Kara?

I'm no longer myself.

Bending, she searched the pieces for the biggest, longest shard of glass. Gingerly, she touched one edge. Blood welled up on her thumb. The mirror had broken. Crash. Why hadn't she tried it before? With a small smile more than a bit tinged with hate, she wrapped a washcloth around the wide end to keep from cutting her hand.

Seven years bad luck. Tally it up. So be it. He wanted a kiss and a feel, she'd give him just that. She'd give him what he wanted, but he, in return, would give her what _she_ wanted -- at least for a few hours. For a little while she would pretend that he was gone for good and that she and Kacey were free. When he returned, he could not argue that she hadn't fulfilled his terms for her.

Kara dressed and went out to wait for Leoben to return. She sat on the couch as she usually did. The glass shard was set on the floor, her sweatshirt covering it. It took several minutes to arrange it to her satisfaction and she hoped the placement didn't look too staged. Her glance strayed across the room to Kacey, who was still asleep. It was a mystery to Kara how the girl had slept through all of the racket in the bathroom. Was Leoben drugging her or had she just played that hard? Was he drugging both of them? A serious consideration, as they seemed to sleep away the hours of the day and night anymore.

She pressed a hand to her forehead, then massaged her temples. Her life on Galactica was becoming more and more dream-like, something she had conjured up in a moment of fancy. Kara struggled to keep her perspective, brought out a memory of flying and let it linger in her thoughts. With her eyes closed, she relived the memory, the sensation of being fully in control, on top of her world and so very sure of what to do. Would there ever be more memories like it?

The door closed above with a thud.

Leoben came down the stairs, saw her sitting quietly. Kara watched him, then turned her body on the couch and curled up, one leg bent and against the couch back, the other bent and flat on the cushion. He sat beside her, forearms resting on his thighs. "Have you considered your options?"

"Every last one," she replied.

"And?" He slid close, pressing against her bent leg. His hand curved around her right ankle, then up, moving her leg so that it mirrored her left.

Get him complacent. Let him think he's wearing me down. Kara allowed the contact with much force of will. Her first instinct was to grab the glass and strike, to hurt him before he had a chance to hurt her. "I'm tired."

"Of what?"

"I don't want to have to fight anymore." She swallowed, licked her lips. It wasn't a stretch to put fatigue into her words. It was truth. Kara didn't want to have to fight. She wanted freedom from him.

Pleasure rippled across his face. He shifted, advancing on her. "So don't fight."

Outside, there was a loud crashing.

"What was that?"

He didn't pause in his progress towards her. "Insurgents. They're growing bolder. It's nothing, Kara." Leoben took her right hand, threaded their fingers together, and then he was flush against her. His expression dared her to object before he lowered his head, lips nuzzling her ear. "It doesn't concern us."

She slid her left hand up from the cushion and onto his side, hesitating as though uncertain. The cloth of his shirt was soft. Kara rubbed her fingers against it hard enough to move it aside. Her fingers touched skin. Fake skin, she reminded herself. It felt real, _too_ real, warm and firm. She slid her hand the rest of the way beneath the shirt, somewhat pleased to feel his body tense. Was he wondering if she'd scratch him?

Leoben raised up on his elbows. His gaze searched hers. "Let me make that easier for you." He removed his shirt, then grasped the hem of her tank. "Easier for me."

She let him take the tank and watched it fall to the floor with his shirt. He was back against her in a blink, making contented noises as he nuzzled her neck and pressed fervent kisses to her face. She returned her left hand to his side, stroked her fingers there. Now, she wondered? Was this the time to strike? Her right hand lowered slowly towards the floor, searching for her sweatshirt. It was there somewhere…. She arched her back a little, trying to reach the glass shard. Her hips raised, bumped hard against him.

He stilled, giving a last brush of his lips to her cheek. "Something down there, Kara?"

She wiggled her shoulder. "My shoulder is hurting."

Narrowed and skeptical eyes perused her face. Slowly, he leaned over, hand going to the floor. "_Is_ it now?"

"It is." Her heart pounded hard and furious in her chest. Distract him, she told herself. No different than in a good game of poker. She shifted her hips, squeezing her thighs against him. There was a flicker of surprise in his eyes.

His brought his shirt up, bunched it and slid it under her shoulder. Leoben caught her hand and raised it, placing it on his shoulder. He laid his arm along the cushion edge, essentially blocking her from trying to reach to the floor. His hand cupped her shoulder, massaged with a gentle touch. "All better?"

"Yes."

His head lowered once more and she squeezed her eyes shut, sliding her palm up and down his back. Make him believe, she told herself, dragging her hand around to his side and between them. Have to make him believe. He lifted up a little, giving her the room to touch him. His stomach contracted beneath her fingertips. Before she could lose her nerve, Kara turned her head and fitted her lips to his. The contact was barely begun and he was pulling back.

Do what you have to do. Nothing personal, her mind whispered.

"Kara--"

"I love you," she whispered, then gasped, hoping and praying she wasn't over-playing her hand.

Leoben stared at her. She saw hope and suspicion both in his eyes. His glance flicked to the floor and back. "You--"

"I love you," she repeated, then snaked her hand up to his neck and tugged him back down to her. She kissed him the way she knew he wanted from her and wondered why it felt as though a part of her was dying. After a moment, where his body remained tense, he _did_ respond, the kiss taken over by him, jacked up to a higher level of intimacy. One kiss, then two, then her shoving him up and pressing a string of kisses along his chest. He braced himself, one hand gripping the couch edge to balance.

Make him believe.

She trailed her fingers down that arm. The sounds from outside were growing louder, with shorter bursts of time between them. Someone was putting up one helluva fight.

"You love me," he said, eyes closing.

"I do." She nipped at his skin with her teeth, stomach muscles beginning to feel the burn of the position she was half-sitting in.

"Do you love me?"

Kara kissed a line down his arm. "Yes, I love you." She reached his wrist, her hand reaching down and tossing aside her sweatshirt, but as her fingers grazed the glass shard, she paused. What was she feeling, really? There were so many emotions and thoughts going through her mind that she wasn't entirely certain that -- on some level -- she _didn't_ feel love for him. She grasped the shard and sat back up until her face was a couple inches from his.

His eyes opened. "Do you love me, Kara?" Triumph glinted in his eyes.

There was another crash outside and Kara allowed herself to hope for just a moment that rescue was coming. She looked him in the eyes, nodded. "Yes, Leoben. I love you." The glass shard slipped into his skin far easier than she had imagined.

That triumph quickly faded, hurt replacing it. He shook his head, looked down at the wound she'd inflicted and back at her.

"Now get the frak off of me." She shoved him, took great delight in the sound of his body hitting the floor. Kara got onto her knees and looked over the couch edge.

Triumph returned onto his features. "Told you…you would…love me," he gasped out.

Her lower lip quivered. She remembered his insistence that he'd seen the future and just what he had claimed to see. With a coldness growing inside her, Kara climbed down to straddle him. She tugged the glass up slowly from his flesh, enjoying the ripple of pain across his face and the way his body shuddered. Holding it up, she dangled it so he could see it, teeth momentarily catching her lower lip as she did so. "Apparently, you missed seeing it in context."

Kara plunged the shard into his neck.

She watched his eyes dim as his consciousness left his body, then stretched out her fingers, tracing his features almost lovingly. "You don't touch me," she whispered. She noticed a cut on her palm and was distracted by it, raising her hand to look at it. It wasn't deep, but wouldn't feel too good later. "Frak me," she shook her head. "That's gonna hurt."

The noises were still out there and Kara got up, stumbling a little when her legs trembled and didn't want to hold her weight. She threw open the curtains, saw chaos. People were everywhere, fleeing the area. Explosions sent dirt poofing into the air. She cocked her head and went into the bathroom, carefully washing the blood from her skin and slapping a bandage onto her cut palm. On her return to the main room, she checked on Kacey, saw her still sleeping and went to put on her shirt.

She knelt, lifting Leoben's head up a little as though it was just another object and tugging her tank out from beneath him. Her sweatshirt was next and while the tank had somehow escaped being completely saturated in his blood, the sweatshirt hadn't. Kara let go of his head, ignoring the cracking sound it made when it hit the floor. She pulled on the tank and left the sweatshirt as unsalvageable.

The noise was in the building now. If she listened closely, Kara thought she could hear screams. Standing, she went to wake Kacey. The girl didn't want to wake up, snuggling against Kara when she lifted her. She pressed Kacey's head to her shoulder so she couldn't see Leoben's body and waited on the stairs. If he came back…. Well, she'd deal with it when the time came. He'd be calm, wouldn't he? After all, she'd given him what he wanted. Hadn't she? She'd fulfilled his frakking vision.

Doors above exploded open, she could hear it happening. Hope grew, blossoming inside her. She imagined that everything was going to be fine. Kara smiled, rocking Kacey. "Hear that, honey? We're going home." Home would erase Leoben from her mind. This would become a dream, a bad one, and she'd never have to revisit it again.

The door at the top of the stairs exploded open and it was Sam's voice she heard calling out.

"We're here," she answered and hurried up to meet him.

It was time to go home.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains torture and rape.  
Chapter: 3  
Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: It bothered me that Sam seemed rather indifferent to Kara after their return to Galactica and the Kacey deal. That and in Collaborator. He just didn't seem like a man who really missed and loved his wife, though I think we're supposed to think he did miss her and does love her. Also, this work is strictly from Kara's POV, what she perceives as happening in the state she has come to be in due to Leoben.

* * *

_We all need lessons from time to time. You're no different. This pain you're feeling…. It's aching and so blinding you can barely think.

* * *

_

Kara saw to Kacey before she did anything else, finding a place to sleep and settling Kacey in. She told Sam to watch her, ignoring the confused expression on his face. He didn't seem to understand and she was too tired to explain it to him. She suspected he still wouldn't believe when she _did_ explain. It would take him time to believe it. It had taken _her_ time and she had grown to feel an affection for Kacey, not just a need to protect her.

She went to take a shower, stripping off her blood splattered clothes and stepping beneath the spray. Blood didn't always come out of cloth. No matter how many times she washed them, there'd always be the ghost of Leoben's blood, visible only because she knew where too look for it. Kara twisted under the spray, stretching, enjoying the water on her body and taking her time washing.

It had been a very long time since she'd been able to enjoy a shower without wondering if Leoben was going to walk in and watch her. He'd liked to catch her off-guard, to twist everything she considered normal in any way he could. He'd made her life in captivity a foul bastardization of a normal marriage -- the affectionate names he used for her, the intimate dinners he put together, and more. Always more. She had begun trying to time her showers for when he could be gone for hours.

…_her feet slipping on the water, Leoben's hands gripping her arms so tightly that the bruises were black the next day. Trying to reach something, anything to make him stop…._

The shampoo bottle dropped from fingers that were suddenly nerveless and icy. Kara stood hugging herself, looking down at the bruises on her arms. They were so dark that they looked painted on her skin -- or tattooed there, permanent marks that announced his stain upon her. They would heal however, fading slowly from black to purple and lighter to yellow, until they disappeared altogether. The bruises Leoben left always took longer to heal because he gripped too hard, but they were hardly permanent. Kara gasped, stomach clenching and looked around the stall, then out into the room, certain someone was there. It was both a reflexive motion and habit. No one was watching her and those in the room weren't even looking her way. Still, she didn't feel safe. Wasn't home supposed to be safe?

Slowly, she knelt, retrieving the bottle. The chill in her fingers spread through her body. Kara trembled. Steam rose around her and she twisted the knob on the cold water, turning it down until she could feel the heat. Her skin reddened. The shower wasn't as relaxing as she'd thought. Kara hurried to finish and then to dry, hissing a little when she pressed too hard on the bruises along her waist and rear. Dressing as quickly as she could, she returned to Sam and Kacey.

"Thanks. I needed a shower." Kara sat in a chair and began to comb through her hair. Water dripped from the ends.

Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Kacey, who was sleeping. "Yeah." She heard him draw in a long breath. "She's cute, Kara."

"Thank the gods she took after me and not him." She worked the comb through a snarl, slanting an affectionate glance towards Kacey.

Sam nodded, then stood, closed the curtain, and took the chair beside her. He leaned over, forearms on his thighs and voice low. "About that…. You're taking this mother thing a little far, don't you think?"

"Mother thing?" She stopped combing, looked at him long enough to see the concern in his eyes and slammed the comb onto the table. "It's not a _thing_. She's my child."

"We'll find her mother, Kara. You won't have to --"

"_I'm_ her mother. You think I'm going to give her away? She's mine to care for and I'm good at it, okay? No matter where she came from, she's mine to raise."

He made a noise of frustration. "You are not her mother."

"I am."

"Okay." He sat back, crossing his arms. "Explain to me how that's possible."

Taking a deep breath, she began, but no sooner had she mentioned the farm and her ovary, he was shaking his head, interrupting her.

"No, no, no. Think about it. The timing is all wrong. Even if they did use your ovary, she's too old. Kacey is too old. Kara, look at her."

"I _have_ looked at her. I've been looking at her for weeks, Sam." She glanced towards the curtain. When Leoben had brought Kacey, she'd had doubts. She couldn't be wrong on this. Even Leoben couldn't be that cruel. Could he? "You're wrong," she whispered. It hurt too much to think that all of her affection for the girl could go crashing down around her. "She's my daughter."

"He lied to you. They lie, that's what they do." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "Why are you believing his fiction?"

Kara clasped her hands together, slid them between her legs. Her hands were shaking, icy. "Because he told me truth once." She licked her lips. "Twice," she corrected herself. "His…visions came true." She'd held Leoben, told him she loved him and even at one point doubted that her hatred for him was real. She had contemplated for the space of a single second that perhaps, on some level, she did love him. His vision had come true. The embrace, the kiss, the words. All true no matter how they had come about.

"What visions? What are you talking about?"

She shook her head. "Never mind."

"No, talk to me. We've got to talk about all this."

"There's nothing to talk about." Kara stood, reached for the curtain. "I'm going to bed."

Sam didn't try to squeeze in with the two of them and Kara was glad. She laid her head on the pillow and prayed for pleasant dreams.

The morning brought a woman in to see her, a woman Kacey reached for immediately and who identified herself as Kacey's mother. Sam had found her less than an hour earlier. Kara sat frozen on the bed edge as the woman explained her pain of loss when Kacey was taken from her. It was the Cylons, she said. The Cylons came and took her one day. There was an effusive use of 'thank-you' in the words that penetrated Kara's mind and she bit her lip as the woman carried Kacey to the door and stopped to speak with Sam.

Kara looked at him. She could hear him talking to the woman, explaining how he'd been certain Kacey's mother could be found. A sense of betrayal swept over her. Her own husband had refused to believe her. What _else_ would he refuse to believe? That sense quickly became a double-edged dagger, thrusting into her body as violently as she'd stabbed her captor on New Caprica.

Leoben had lied to her. He'd brought Kacey in and Kara had believed him. There was no child. She was not, after all, a mother. He had made her _believe_ and now Kacey was being taken away. She knew she should be happy for Kacey's sake, right?

And as for Sam….Emotions welled up, fast and churning, inside her and she choked them down. It didn't matter that he had been wholly correct. _He had not believed her at all_.

He still talked to Kacey's mother and all she wanted to do at the moment was ram her fist into his face. Kara hugged herself and squeezed her eyes shut. Leoben was the root of this, but Sam was right here.

The betrayal dagger kept dipping into her flesh, a violation every bit as painful as physical violence, and with each thrust, Kara's back bowed a bit more. Her shoulders slumped and her jaw ached from holding back sobs. Kacey was not hers and all of those things she's begun to look forward to were ripped away. Who am I now, she thought. Not Starbuck, not really Kara and now no longer a mother? Who am I then? Am I a wife? Can I even be that person anymore?

How long she sat there she didn't know. Her thoughts turned round and round in feverish circles. She fully expected Sam to come to her when he finished chatting with the woman. He would pretend to soothe her and sympathize even as he thanked the gods that he didn't have to be a daddy.

Leoben had enjoyed the role of father, even relished it.

Kara opened her eyes. She expected _something_ from Sam. He would try to hold her and perhaps kiss her. Her gaze raised, lips parting to tell him to go away.

Sam and the woman taking Kacey were gone. Kara was alone in the room. She swallowed hard and put her head in her hands. Her loving husband had not stopped to insist they talk later. He had not stopped to hug her or kiss her. Her _loving_ husband -- who knew of her affection for Kacey and knew how this would hurt -- had abandoned her. No words, no touch, just… 'I found her, Kara. Kacey's mother.' when bringing the woman in. He dropped a bomb and left.

At least Leoben had watched the fallout from his bombs. He had stayed and he had claimed to love her. Sam did not stay. How could he claim to love her?

Kara frowned. Something in her reasoning seemed skewered, but she couldn't quite figure out what. Standing, she decided to try and eat. She wasn't really hungry, but eating was normal. Eating was the right thing to do at certain times, even if she wasn't hungry. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two light snacks. Normal. She was going to behave normally.

* * *

A few days later, Kara decided she needed to at least try and sleep properly. Sitting in the chair with her head on the table wasn't cutting it. She was going to have to sleep somewhere and the only place was with her husband. All other beds were filled. 

The room slowly quieted, the lights dimming. Kara watched all of the people settle in for the night. There were a few coughs and the whispers of conversations. Behind her, she heard Sam clear his throat.

"Coming to bed?"

"Later."

"You need to sleep, Kara." When she didn't reply, he sighed. The light he had on snapped out. "Join me when you're ready, I guess."

Was she ready? Kara turned her head, saw that Sam had closed the curtain. She let herself imagine following him to bed. She'd lie beside him and put her head on his shoulder as she used to do. He would hold her in his arms and tell her everything was okay. He would kiss her and touch her…and the thought of letting him actually put his hands on her had her running to toss up her last meal.

When all of the contents of her stomach had been purged, she rinsed out her mouth and thought a moment on how go about this. She had to sleep. A body could only go for so long without sleep and she had reached her limit. I'm strong, she thought. I can do this. He's my husband. I can climb in bed with him. It's not like I've never done that before. A wife needs her husband, right? A wife sleeps with her husband. No, she decided. I need a drink first. Someone has to have some booze on this ship.

She wasn't going to make a habit of it. It was just for tonight -- a little liquor to dull her mind so she could rest -- and once she was actually there with Sam, she'd have no problem staying there. Right? He would comfort and anchor her in the present.

It was several hours later that she crawled into bed with him, her vision only a tad blurry and an alcohol heat in her body. He was obviously pleased by the gesture, embracing her as she'd thought he would, murmuring loving words as he helped her climb across him. Kara laid back, Sam moving closer, his body pressing against hers.

_-- Leoben stroking her skin as she lay drugged beside him, kissing her, touching her, taking advantage of that state. His lips dragging across her skin, caressing her wounded shoulder. His whispers containing loving words --_

Nausea twisted in her stomach and she swallowed the need to retch. Kara raised her hands, pushed at Sam. "No. Get off me." He was too close, too male, too _there_. "Damn it, get off!"

He turned on the light. "Kara --"

"Said get off me," she slurred, shoving him until he sat up and slid a few inches away. Kara grabbed for the sheet and blanket, dragging them over her. "Don't touch me. I don't want you to touch me."

"Okay." He was quiet a moment, shifting on the bed. "You snuggled up to me, Kara. What was I supposed to think? You used to do that, remember?"

"Get out." Kara shuddered at the feel of his leg brushing hers. "Just…don't _touch_ me right now." His body seemed to fill the space, looming over her. She scooted closer to the wall, pressing herself tight to it.

"You're over-reacting. Relax. I won't touch you if that's what you want." Sam smoothed the blanket. "Go to sleep."

A short harsh bark of laughter left her. "I'm what? You want me to _what_? Frak you, get out! Get out of my bunk."

"_Our_ bunk. We've got to talk about --"

"Get out," she said, reaching across to the curtain and pulling it, being as careful as she could so as not to touch him. "Here's the exit." Kara hurried to put herself with her back again to the wall, legs drawn up, ready to kick if needed.

He took in her position and sighed. "I don't believe this. Are you going to physically kick me out if I don't go?" With a shake of his head, he left the bed, then leaned down. "I think you need more than sleep, Kara. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Go," she whispered.

In the darkness, alone, Kara finally let her tears come and fell asleep exhausted and cold.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains torture and rape.  
Chapter 4  
Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon -- a _lot_.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: If anything is out of place in character interactions, please let me know so that I may get it right the next time!

* * *

_You and I both know you're no stranger to pain. You wallow in your pains, alternately wanting to end them and afraid to lose them. Who would you be without the pain, Kara? _

_

* * *

_

She woke with a sour taste in her mouth and a nasty headache. Opening the curtain, she saw Sam waiting for her. He had his arms crossed and a concerned tilt to his brow. Kara swung her legs over the edge of the bed and yawned. "What?"

"You screamed so loud around four that you woke everyone up."

She shook her head. "Yeah right. Why don't I remember this?"

"_You_ didn't wake up. Five or six blood-curdling screams and you slept right through it, never moved a muscle."

"And?"

He looked around, then leaned forward. "Kara, right here is where you tell me exactly what happened to you in that Center. What did he do to you that has you screaming like that in your sleep?"

She sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, looking away in hopes of distracting herself from his scrutiny. His gaze was every bit as penetrating as Leoben's had been. Would Sam believe her? He hadn't believed her about Kacey, so why would he believe her about Leoben's actions? Ahh, yes, her mind whispered. What _were_ his actions again? What exactly did Leoben do in that nice, neat apartment?

Images surfaced in her thoughts.

…_Her head hitting the floor hard enough to stun her, Leoben slapping her when she bit him, one hand tearing her shirt while the other held her wrists above her head…_

…_Leoben strolling down the stairs, twirling a candlestick much lighter than the one she'd used to bash in his skull earlier and cheerfully remarking, 'I brought a new candlestick since you didn't appear to like the old one', before punching her in the stomach, that move he perfected on her and used to immobilize her long enough to begin..._

Begin what? What would Leoben begin doing? Kara tamped the images down. Don't think about it, she told herself. Nothing but nightmares. Nothing that really happened. She shrugged. "Oh you know. The usual." She swung one leg in slow circles.

"The usual," Sam repeated. "Does 'the usual' always make you scream like that, because, I've got to say that I've never noticed it before."

His voice was hard, suspicious. Suspicious of what? Of her? Kara reached for her clothes. "Mind if I get dressed while you continue this interrogation?"

Sam sat back. "You think I'm interrogating you? I'm trying to find out what happened to you, so we can deal with it and get back to our lives. You know, our _lives_? You and me together?" He morioned back and forth between them. "I'm your husband, so you'll have to excuse me for giving a frak about you."

Kara pulled on her clothes in jerks. "Look, Leoben held me prisoner, right? He cooked me these nice, romantic _dinners_ and wanted to slow dance and discuss politics and religion in between letting me creatively do away with his next body. He wanted to show me how my suffering has shaped me to walk the path of a great destiny, or…something like that. It's all about _destiny_, Sam." Looking over her shoulder at him, she saw his lips tighten.

"You really _are_ a bitch in the morning sometimes, you know that?" He stood. "None of that would cause those screams. I want the full truth, not some sarcastic half-answer."

"It's what happened," she insisted. Part of it, anyway, Kara added silently. "And I'm fine. Really. There is absolutely nothing to talk about."

He didn't appear convinced, but at least dropped it, shaking his head as he left. Kara knew he'd be back to it later. How much later was the question. Would he ambush her later that day or wait awhile? She finished getting dressed and set about drifting through her day, watching people scurry to and fro to their jobs and searching for friends. Anything to pass the time, of which she had far too much by herself for comfort. The next couple days passed in the same manner, but as the hours went by, Kara found herself playing the 'what if' game.

_What if _she had been stronger? _What if _she had managed to escape? _What if _she'd never married Sam and gone to live on the planet with him?

The first question brought about no difference in her opinion. Leoben was naturally physically stronger than she. He still would have overpowered her, but maybe she could have inflicted more damage upon him before he hurt her. As for the second question, he would have torn New Caprica apart looking for her. She believed he would have, at least. He probably would have tortured Sam and everyone else she held dear hoping to find her. And the last question. The answer that would have changed everything. She would have been on Galactica, away from Leoben's reach. He could not have taken her. He could not have hurt her. Kara would not have lost herself.

There was another question that tread through her thoughts often in the next few days. How else could she have hurt Leoben? Her mind conjured up images far more gruesome than she ever could have imagined prior to her time with Leoben, each more detailed than the last. She had all of the tiny details worked out, from the cuts precisely placed for optimum pain, to the blows she'd rain upon his face. She imagined him begging her to stop even though she knew he'd never do that. Leoben would never beg her for anything.

But Leoben wasn't here and Kara wanted someone to hurt like she was hurting. It didn't matter who. On one level, she knew it was wrong, yet another entirely cried out for blood and cried louder than the rational side. It didn't matter if the blood was friend or foe. Anyone's would do. She began to start fights and only after the fight was done did she realize how little sense her reasons for the fights made.

She began to resent Sam. She resented his assumption that nothing was truly different between them. She resented his insistence on looking at her and his wanting to touch her. How could he still want her? How could he want to look at her and touch her?

Sam refused to budge from the bed. He maintained that he had a right to be there as much as she did. Perhaps he did. She still couldn't stand to have his body touching hers. Kara found herself sleeping on the edge of the bed when she did indeed sleep, so close to that edge that with every breath she nearly fell off. Sometimes she _did_ fall. She tried to block out the knowledge of Sam's body behind her and more often than not she failed, ending up spending her nights in that old chair right outside the curtain. Kara didn't sleep any better on Galactica than she had on New Caprica, constantly vigilant for danger. Every little noise woke her from her uneasy slumbers.

Her dreams were not pleasant; terrifyingly violent images of Leoben raping her. They were so real, touting the crystal clarity of memory and lingering fresh long after they should have faded. No matter what she did, the images remained burned into her mind. She could drink herself into a stupor and the images remained.

She began to doubt they were only nightmares.

Kara stayed up late playing cards, putting off the moment of sleep until she could barely think straight. She headed for bed, surprised to find it empty. Sam was not there. Thank the gods, she thought. One night without falling on the floor. She didn't wonder where he had gone, she merely put her back against the wall and tried to ignore the twinge of phantom pain in her shoulder. Kara closed her eyes, praying she could have one night without dreams, but it seemed she had only closed her eyes than she was opening them again.

The intensity of the nightmare that came was not such that one wakes screaming. No, it was far worse. Kara woke _trying_ to scream, _trying_ to move, her body stubbornly refusing to manifest those two reactions to her terror. She was helpless in the darkness until she realized where she was. She was on Galactica. Home.

Sitting, she clasped the sheet to her, roundly cursing Leoben in her mind for everything he had done to her. Kara drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on her knees. She let herself think about the dreams that plagued her, then rubbed that aching shoulder and thought some more. "No," she whispered. Tears trickled down her face. Kara licked her lips. A single conclusion loomed.

It had all happened, every last hit, every last…act.

"He raped me," she said to herself in the dark and slowly, all of those shelves she'd locked in her mind opened. Truth was revealed in all of it's darkness. Lying back down, Kara curled into a fetal position and cried until no more tears came. Acknowledging was one thing and she had crested that hill, but dealing with it? Dealing was another thing entirely. "Oh gods help me."

Kara's concentration became divided. She never let her guard down, constantly checking wherever she was for anything out of place and it occurred to her that it wasn't a normal behavior. No one would understand, so she tried to hide it. She would position herself so that her back was to a wall and there was one less direction to watch. She joined in the card games and made certain she never had her back to Sharon.

Helo's wife maybe, but still a Cylon. One of _them_. When she looked at Sharon, all she saw was Leoben. A Cylon. It didn't matter the good Sharon had done, but what she _was_. At this moment in life, Kara couldn't let go of the 'what' factor. She knew it was irrational, for in the past she had defended Sharon -- and Helo -- to others. But that was all before Leoben worked his will upon her.

She cut her hair, another attempt to negate her time with Leoben. With the long hair gone, she wasn't the same person he'd frakked with. She was Starbuck again, ready to kick ass and take names. She was ready to take her things from storage and go back to work. But…it wasn't that simple. Nothing was that simple and never would be again. A smile to the wrong person could mean unwanted attention and actions were easily misconstrued. Kara may have escaped Leoben's prison, yet she was still _in_ a prison. She could not escape herself and the truth.

The first clue that she may not be fooling everyone with her insistence that everything was fine came with Adama's order to report for a psychiatric evaluation. It was a standard order for all returning, yet she couldn't help the suspicion that the order came mainly because of her and what he saw in her whenever they spoke. He knew her well, so it stood to reason that he would see something of what she tried to hide. Kara argued the point with him as calmly as she could in private, but his mind was made up.

He stood in front of her, looking her up and down with a cool, measuring gaze. "Do you have a problem with this…_Starbuck_?"

The use of her call sign had her immediately standing taller, back ramrod straight and lips tight. "Permission to speak freely?"

He nodded once.

"I don't need a psychiatric evaluation. I am coping just fine with everything that has happened. I am ready to do my job."

"Every pilot returning to duty after New Caprica is required to pass a psychiatric evaluation before being allowed on flight duty. You are included in that number. You will also be re-tested on all flight skills. You've been out of the cockpit for a long time and I don't care how good you were _then_, I need to know how good you are now. Report for your evaluation." There was a bit of steel to his voice and Kara also thought she heard a smattering of impatience mixed in. Was he losing his temper?

"Admiral--"

"Dismissed."

"_Admiral_ --"

"I said _dismissed_, Captain."

Kara turned and left, seething inside, angry at him and angry at herself. She went to her evaluation, waiting in line with a few others to see one of the two overworked, hassled psychiatrists working their way through the enlisted before moving on to civilians. Her turn came too soon in her opinion and she sat in the chair before the man, answering questions, impatient to be cleared for flight duty.

Finally, he sat back in his chair. "Do you think I'm stupid, Captain Thrace?"

Kara shook her head. "What's that have to do with anything?" She couldn't connect the question with the past hour. Why did it matter if she thought this man was a blathering idiot?

He jotted something down on a paper.

"What?" She squinted, trying to make out what he was writing.

"I'm not clearing you for flight duty just yet."

She blinked. "Excuse me…_what_? You're what? Why not?"

"You have repressed rage that could constitute a potential danger in the cockpit to yourself and others."

"Not true." Kara shook her head. "I'm fine."

"My professional assessment stands as is."

"Your assessment is bullshit." She said it bluntly, pleasantly and with a smile.

He chuckled, writing once more on the paper. "You're free to hold that opinion, of course."

"I have to sit twiddling my thumbs while everyone else goes back to work." It was not a question.

"No. You come back here and deal with the anger. The sooner you do that, the sooner you're cleared. I'm not stupid. I can see the anger you think you're hiding."

"Frakking doctors," she muttered. I failed a psych evaluation, she thought. I frakking failed a simple psych evaluation. I didn't think that was even possible! Kara looked around the curtained area, struggling to keep her calm.

"This is not a failure, Captain --"

"Clear me then."

"I can't do that. You have anger common with PTSD and if I let you through and you kill yourself or someone else --"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Kara interrupted, visions of the looks and snickers she'd find later rising up. Her cheeks flushed, a hot rush. "How do I even know you're qualified?"

"We were brought in by request." He filled out a little card, handed it to her. "You'll be seeing my colleague tomorrow morning. Don't miss the appointment."

It didn't escape her attention that the appointment must have already been made for him to have a time ready. She pursed her lips and studied the card, tempted to tear it into bits, but decided that that specific action might actually confirm his diagnosis and forced herself to just hold the card. "You never intended to clear me today."

"Captain, after hearing your account of the events on New Caprica and your behavior the past weeks --"

"_My_ behavior?"

"The mood swings, nightmares, lashing out at everyone --"

"Who _isn't_ having mood swings and nightmares?"

He closed the file folder and set it aside. "You want to be out there doing your job, Captain? Work towards a resolution or you won't be doing anything."

Kara hoped that would be the end, that no one would say a word. This was confidential, right? She would go to her appointment and dazzle the second doctor with her stellar mental health and be on the cockpit by the end of the week. She went to have lunch, going when there wouldn't be a crowd of people to watch and sat by herself, ignoring Helo's invitation for her to join him. She was nearly finished when Kat entered the room and strolled over to her. By the smirk on her face, Kara knew word had traveled. She rolled her eyes and shoved her tray away, readying herself for the fight to come. How could there not be a fight? Kat rubbed her wrong on any normal day, so why should this one be different? How could it _not_ be Kat coming to needle her about this?

Kat leaned down. "How do you fail a psychiatric evaluation?" Her tone was surprised, but then… "Oh wait…Consider who it was."

She turned her head. "Get out of my face, Kat."

"I've always thought you were a little short in the sanity department and this proves it."

Kara uttered a short laugh that held no humor to it. "You want to step back right now, little girl."

"Or what? Big bad Starbuck's gonna kick my ass? Don't make me laugh. You're too soft --"

She was out of her chair before realizing she had moved, smashing her fist into Kat's face over and over and damned if it didn't feel good. They fell hard onto the floor, Kara straddling the other woman, drawing back her fist to hit again.

"Enough!"

It was Helo who dragged her off of Kat while everyone else stood and watched. Watching me crack, she thought, watching me fail. Watching me. Always watching me just like _he_ did. "Consider your ass kicked, bitch."

For a second, her eyes met Kat's and the thought that she saw pity there, spurred her forward once more, but she was caught by Helo and dragged away.

It was Helo as well who visited her a few hours later in the brig, shaking his head as he stepped to the bars. "Kat's all banged up, but nothing's broken."

Where was Lee, she wondered. Once upon a time it had been him coming to see her. She'd seen him several times since the return to Galactica and every time he had been coldly cordial, polite to a fault. With every sentence uttered to her he had let her know she was no longer a friend and never would be again. Even his clipped, "You okay?" a couple days earlier had been disinterested, as though he had asked merely because it was expected by others present that he ask.

She had Helo though, right? They went way back. Their friendship was good.

"Pity. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am soft then. A broken anything would improve her face."

"Kara." His voice sounded tired.

"What? You're gonna argue that one?"

He shook his head again, but in more of a 'whatever' manner than anything else. After a moment, he grasped the bars and asked, "Who is Sharon?"

"Who is…?" Kara blinked, shrugged. "She's your wife."

"That's right. I'm glad you can say it. Start treating her like it."

Kara stared at him, backed away from the bars and sat down. "She's a Cylon."

"Not the one who imprisoned you."

She looked away with a grimace. He was right and she knew it.

"My wife has done nothing but bust her ass to be accepted for _who_ she is and not what and you keep tearing her down with snide remarks. Sharon was the one who got your sorry butt back up here."

Kara flinched. "I know."

"She's not that _Leoben_ model and she didn't hold you in that place for months frakking with your mind. She risked herself to save everyone on New Caprica. Did you know that they tried to stop her when she went to get the launch keys? She turned her back on them, Kara. She fights for us now."

"I know," she repeated.

"Hurts to hear it, doesn't it? A Cylon rescued you from the Cylon. Chew on that while you sit here and the next time you see my wife? Be civil, because I'm tired of having this conversation with you. We've done this topic to death, Kara, and I'd thought it was settled long ago. This is the last time. You get it through your head, deal with it, and be done with it. Sharon is not your enemy."

"Helo…."

He turned and walked away.

"Frak." She wiped her palms on her thighs. "What is this, kick Kara in the ass day?" She closed her eyes and waited to be released.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Chapter 5  
Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: The chapter is pretty long and that is due to the arc within it. There simply was not a good place to stop it. Perhaps the next chapter won't be quite so long!

* * *

_We are here together on the precipice of change, dancing along the edge of that cliff pain, wanting to end it one way or another._ _

* * *

_

Helo had been her second clue, Kara realized the next morning. He had cemented that she was honestly not herself, that the pieces of her were still strewn about, jagged and broken. She was not mending and all efforts to patch herself up were unsuccessful.

What am I doing, she thought. Lords of Kobol help me. I've got to find myself again; somehow put those pieces of me back together again. But how? I don't know where to begin.

All of the things she'd tried had ultimately failed. The few nights she'd managed to drink herself into a stupor hadn't helped. The alcohol didn't make anything go away and the numbness didn't last. If anything, her nightmares were worse after drinking. Staying by herself only made her dwell more upon Leoben and yet trying to avoid dwelling on him caused a state of such jitters that she couldn't sit still for more than seconds at a time.

She dressed, ate breakfast and stared at her appointment card, willing it to go away and for life to return to normal.

Life didn't bend under the force of her will, so Kara went to her mandatory counseling session and tried to stare down the doctor. The woman, however, was well prepared and in the end, it was Kara who looked away first, unable to stand the kindness in that gaze. It made her too uncomfortable that this _stranger_ could look at her with such understanding, as though she knew everything that had happened, including the things Kara herself had only recently acknowledged as truth. This woman looked at her as though they had an _affinity_. The woman, whose name was 'Sally' and Kara kept calling 'Silly' in her mind, began to speak.

"Many people are having trouble coping with the events on New Caprica. There's no shame in needing aid to deal with the trauma. Reacting _is_ normal and I see nothing in your file here that is _not_ a normal reaction to a traumatic situation."

I'm not having trouble coping, she thought. I know exactly what to do the next time I see that bastard Leoben. First, he's getting castrated with a dull knife, then slowly disemboweled with a nice rusty…whatever is handy. We'll see if he likes _that_ invasion of his body. Maybe after that I'll give him a few whacks upside the head with a blunt object for good measure. _That's_ how I'm coping. Coping isn't the problem. It's becoming whole again that's the hard part.

Sally did all of the talking for most of the session. She explained PTSD in detail, giving Kara a rundown of treatment options available, a nice lengthy description of the main and secondary effects of trauma and a few suggestions to help speed the healing process. She mentioned classes she and her colleague were trying to put together for those who needed more help and told Kara to talk to others who had experienced a similar situation as herself. But who, Kara wondered, had been in a similar situation, because she didn't particularly know of anyone else in the fleet who'd had a Cylon treat them as Leoben had treated her.

Silence reigned over the remaining minutes of their time together, Kara thinking about everything Sally had said and waiting for their time to be done. The sooner she could be gone, the better. She couldn't wait to be back on duty, even if she was curtailed from flying for the time being. Moments before the end, Sally clasped her hands together on the table. "Your anger is the reason you're here. Let's deal with it so you can go do that job you obviously love."

"I hear you, Sally, but I'm not angry."

"Of course you are. You're furious and you have every right to be furious. No one should be put in the position you were in. You've been through a horrible ordeal."

More than you know, she thought, one forefinger rubbing back and forth over the thumbnail of that same hand. Her other hand raised, fingers twirling at a short lock of her hair at her temple before she realized what she was doing. Kara put her hands together and shook her head. "I'm fine…Sally…and I'm only here with you because I was told to be here. New Caprica was New Caprica and I'm not there anymore. I'm home, okay? Got it? Good. I am _not_ angry and frankly, what's _really_ pissing me off is everyone telling me I'm angry."

Sally watched her a moment. "Then why are you starting so many fights with your crewmates? It's okay to be angry, but there is a point when it needs to be addressed. We have come to such a point, so…let's address it."

"Now? We'll go over in time --"

"So what?"

"You have other patients."

"Right now I'm with you and when we're done, we're done and not a second before."

"I have duty in twenty minutes."

"I believe they'll excuse your tardiness."

Kara licked her lips, frustration rising at each reason begin countered. "I'm not staying."

Sally's lips twitched. "Then come back tomorrow."

She sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "Same time I suppose."

"Unless another works better for you?"

She smiled sweetly. "No time would work the best."

"I can't release you." Sally opened a small book and made a note. "There. You're penciled in." She closed it and crossed her arms on the table. "Now, I won't lie to you. Recovering from a trauma is not an easy process. I will never tell you it's going to be easy, because this will likely be the _hardest_ thing you have ever done in your life. You are going to be up one day and down the next and sometimes both in the space of hours. Your nightmares may increase before they ever start to go away. They may _never_ fully go away. The shame of --"

"I'm not ashamed, either." The kindness in Sally's gaze made her swallow hard and glance away. "I survived. I'm home."

"That's right, you _did_ survive. Recognize that. Think of the courage you had to have to survive to come home. I know you aren't willing to be here, not yet anyway, but once you do take that willing step to begin coping…. It will help." She took a piece of paper and wrote awhile on it, then handed it to her. "We'll go through the mandatory sessions as required, but know that you can reach me whenever you need to talk, whether it's in the middle of the night or whenever. You don't have to fight me. I'm not your enemy."

Why was everyone telling her that these days?

"I am here to help you heal."

Kara left the appointment with mixed emotions. Sally had given her much to consider and she was mulling through it as she approached Lee.

"I need you doing paperwork today," he told her, setting her up with a huge stack to work her way through and Kara started right in on it. It was boring and tedious, but she was there, as close to flying as she'd be for awhile. For hours she worked, finishing one page and moving on to the next. Once, she heard Lee's voice raised at someone and while she could hear the tone, she couldn't quite make out the words. Man, she thought, is he ever pissed today. She wondered who he was dressing down and about what, then shook her head, stretched and returned to her papers, determined to push through whatever he threw at her. She was nearing a quitting point when Kat appeared in front of her. Kara quit writing and set her pen down. "What?"

Kat was subdued, face bruised in shades of purple, gaze refusing to meet hers. The set of her shoulders was tense. "I was out of line. Sorry," she said in a flat, rushed tone.

Leaning back in her chair, Kara studied her, looked her up and down. "You don't sound too sorry, Katraine."

Her lips tightened and she stared stonily ahead. "I didn't think before speaking."

Kara nodded, glancing behind Kat. Who had sent her to apologize because she didn't see Kat as doing this voluntarily. Was Kat the one Lee had been tearing in to? "I see."

"I formally apologize --" A tinge of sarcasm colored the phrase.

Kara stopped her mid-sentence. "Yeah, I get the gist. Apology accepted." She sat forward and picked up her pen to return to her paperwork, then gestured as an afterthought towards Kat's face. "Sorry about your face."

Kat snorted softly. "Yeah. Well…I've gotta get back."

Kara worked awhile longer, then gathered up the papers and put them away. The next few days went in a similar fashion. She saw Sally, then went on duty. She thought about what Sally kept telling her and wondered if she could take one aspect of her time with Leoben and find a common ground with others. Did it have to be the same experience or could she pick and choose through what had happened? Kara didn't ask Sally, but paid attention when Sally began giving statistics within the fleet. Domestic violence statistics. Rape statistics. Sally told her that with the small number of people in the fleet, chances were that she knew at least one person who had been a victim of _something_; that she likely knew _several_ people who had been traumatized in some way.

It occurred to her that she knew two. Cally and…Sharon. The problem was that she didn't want to talk to either one. Cally was out because Kara didn't really want to have to see the baby and Sharon? Not a viable option either, though she supposed she should try and smooth the waters with Sharon simply because once Kara regained flight status they'd be working together out there.

Her mind worried the dilemma and Kara made an impulsive decision in the pilot's rec room. Standing, she went to Helo and Sharon's table and sat down. She imagined she could feel everyone's eyes on her. Were they wondering what she was doing? Were they listening in, waiting for an explosion like she'd so obligingly been giving lately? "Sharon. I'd like a private meeting tomorrow, if we could."

Sharon tilted her head. "Regarding?"

"Just a private matter."

She studied Kara, curiosity in her eyes. After a moment, she shared a glance with Helo and nodded. "Okay. It'll have to be after lunch."

They agreed on a time and place. Kara stood and made her way from the room. It wasn't until she was out in the corridor that she noticed her shoulders were tight with tension. She began walking and as she walked, Kara decided she was feeling halfway normal today. Halfway was something, right? Not too bad of a day. But then she ran into Sam. He gave her the same look Sally did and she backed away from him. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

He slipped his hands into his pockets, not coming any closer. "Because I love you, Kara. I miss you. I heard your nightmares are still waking everyone up and…I was concerned."

"Well, I'm a big girl, okay? I can handle a few nightmares." She brushed by him. "I have to go."

"Kara --"

"No, Sam, don't. I have to go." Where had he been the last few days? Kara had no idea. Had he told her and she'd forgotten? He had simply disappeared. She paused, glancing back, her curiosity overcoming her need to go away from him. "Where have you been anyway?"

He was staring at the floor, his expression that of a man who'd been punched in the gut. "Thought I should give you some space. I…uh…found an empty section of floor to occupy. It's cold and hard, but it's a place to sleep."

"Oh." She nodded. "I've moved back with the other pilots."

"I'd heard you weren't flying yet."

"Yeah, but…uh…I will be soon."

"Oh." He stepped forward, gaze raising. "Kara, I miss you. I --"

"I don't have time to talk."

As she walked away, she heard his voice after her say softly, "And we never will again, will we?"

Kara stopped, closed her eyes and warred with herself over whether or not to turn around. The time would come when they'd have to have that conversation and she wasn't sure that the middle of a corridor was the place for it. With a sigh, she whirled, but Sam had already gone. Suddenly cold, she rubbed her arms and retreated to her bunk, spending an hour trying to figure out just what Sally expected her to put in the journal she'd given her. She doodled on the pages and finally fell asleep with the book open.

Hours later she woke with a start from another nightmare, her hands reaching to smooth across her belly. She had dreamed that she'd never left New Caprica. In the dream, she was still with Leoben and she was pregnant enough to be just showing. She was stretched out on that bed with her shirt hiked up and pants unbuttoned. His lips caressed her bare belly and he told her that he'd always known she would love him. The baby was proof of her love and such a gift from God!

Kara patted her belly, felt the scar tissue against her fingertips. Her stomach was still flat, but now a horrible thought would not leave her mind.

What if I'm pregnant?

The thought froze the blood in her veins. The very idea of carrying Leoben's kid sent dread crawling up her throat like bile. She tried to calm herself, to pay attention to her body.

I'd know it, she thought, sitting up. I'd know. There'd be signs. I wouldn't have the curse for one thing….

Kara squinted, trying to remember the last time she'd had a period. Had it been before getting sprung or after? The days all scrunched together and she buried her fingers in her hair. "Frak, frak, frak, frak, _frak_," she whispered. "I should know this. I should. How do I _not_ know the answer to this question?"

A trip to sickbay would solve the question easily. Kara got up, prowled around for awhile longer and headed for sickbay. Hopefully, she'd have an answer in minutes and could go back to sleep.

As she had come to realize, nothing in her life could ever be so simple again. An answer in minutes? Yeah right. Long hours later, she returned to her bunk, exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster she'd been on while Doc Cottle and his staff had humored her requests for test after test until her insistence on 'just one more' had snapped the last of Cottle's patience with her. How many people, she wondered, could claim to have been thrown out of sickbay? Maybe causing that tiny scene over her initial results hadn't been the brightest idea…. Kara sat on her bunk and pressed a hand to her stomach. She sighed and had started to ease back to catch a few winks before Sharon arrived for their talk when Sam peeked in.

Kara rolled her eyes and pushed back up to sit. "Well, you're in luck. You've found the few minutes in the day when no one is trying to sleep in here." One hand massaged the back of her neck and Kara thought she could probably sleep for days right now.

He stepped in and closed the hatch.

She waited. He stared at her. Drumming her fingers, she shrugged. "What, Sam? You obviously wanted to talk to me bad enough to find me here, so…what?"

"Why are you having pregnancy tests?" His voice was oddly strained.

Kara looked away, then back.

Sam crossed his arms, answering his own question. "You're having them because he did _more_ than put his hands on you, didn't he? He…." Sam trailed off, licked his lips and tried again. "He…." Finally, Sam simply shook his head.

She swallowed, throat suddenly dry. Sam knew. He knew and he couldn't say it. He had put two and two together just like she was certain others would be doing. She had erred in making a scene in sickbay. "You want to know? He raped me, Sam. Nice, huh? He would punch me right here," she pointed, "and while I was trying to breathe, then he'd strike. His M.O. it turned out. He would pull off my clothes, rip them if they didn't give, and…rape me. On the floor, the couch, the bed, up against the wall, in the shower….Anywhere he got the urge to give me what he called 'lessons'." His gaze was horrified and Kara forced herself to keep meeting his eyes. Sam would see her differently now. He'd see her as she really was and not the woman he thought he'd married. "So…. You could just say he frakked me if it's easier to think of it that way. It always followed a 'lesson', but sometimes not right away. Sometimes I thought he wouldn't and a day or two later…."

"You've had eight tests now?"

"Seven," she corrected, "and I have to make sure."

His arms uncrossed, hands clenching. "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice cracked halfway through the question.

"Because that's how I handle things, okay," she snapped, not really wanting to have this conversation. She wished he'd turn and walk away so she didn't have to tell him to go. Raising a hand, she wiped tears off her cheeks. Kara didn't want to tell him to go.

"No, Kara, it's not okay. I'm your husband…. Communication is somewhat essential here." He ran a hand through his hair. "Gods, I don't even know you anymore."

"Join the club."

"I have a wife who won't let me touch her, who snarls when I look at her. Who didn't tell me --"

"So leave, Sam. Just go. Get out before you're sucked into my problems because once that _really_ happens, you'll get hurt and it won't be pretty."

"I'm your husband," he said. There was an undertone of defeat to the words, as though he had lost a battle that he'd fought long and hard to win. "So that's it, then? You loved me enough to come back for me. You loved me enough to go to New Caprica with me, but you don't love me enough to fight for our marriage? You don't love me enough to let down those barriers you've put up? Frak, I thought about you every day down there!"

"Like I never thought of you?"

"Every day we fought them somehow, I wondered if today was the day I'd find you; if I'd get my wife back."

If only he had found her then. Perhaps if that had happened there would be something left for them now. "I didn't know if you were alive or dead."

"Yet when I'm right here, alive, wanting to help you through this, you push me away. You don't tell me what happened to you, you try and kick me out of our bunk, and when I do give a little, you take it all and leave me nothing. You shut me out, ignore me and then you finally tell me what he did…and tell me to _leave_? Your priorities are all frakked up, Kara, and I'm already hurt. I am already sucked in because you are my _wife_."

She sniffled, turning her face away. "I'm done talking." Please, she thought to herself, just leave. Do it and get it over with.

"Yeah, you always are at this point, aren't you. Gods forbid you give a little and let me in."

She swallowed a sob, only half succeeding in suppressing it. "I can't, Sam. I just…. I can't and I _am_ frakked up, so _leave_." Kara bowed her head.

"You know, I thought we were good together. I thought that maybe someday we'd even have a family. I thought so many things…." His sigh was heavy, his weariness nearly palpable. "I knew you were stubborn, but I never realized…. He hurt you, Kara, and he hurt you bad, but you can't live your life wrapped up in that pain. If you do that, then he wins!"

Something in his voice made her look up and she saw a sheen of tears on his cheeks. He didn't wipe them away, letting them fall. Kara crossed her arms, half hugging herself.

"I love you, Kara. I know I can't heal you, though I would if I could. I can't." He stepped to her and knelt, reaching for her hand. After a second, she held it out. Her dogtags were set in her palm, fingers closed around it. "You've made your wishes very clear and I'm a dumb s.o.b. who overstayed his welcome. I do love you and because of that, I _will_ let you go. If having me gone will make you happy…. I'll wait a few weeks, maybe a month or two, then start the process. If you think about us and see any possible future from here for us…." He stood, began backing away. "Tell me before then."

And then he was gone, doing exactly what she had told herself she wanted.

She sat clutching the dogtags, holding back her tears as best she could. People came in and went back out, a few trying to engage her in conversation. None stayed long. Kara put the dogtags away. It was surreal to her that Sam had gone. He had actually done it and done so out of love. He said he loved her and let her go because of it. Leoben had said he loved her and refused to release her. Who now showed true love? Kara drew on her sweatshirt so she wouldn't have to see her tattoo if she happened to glance down at her arm. She found a bottle of liquor and a couple shot glasses and waited for Sharon to arrive. The bottle was half empty and Kara wondered if having a drink or two was really such a good idea. She knew what Sally would tell her, but Sally wasn't here, was she?

Sharon was early, making sure they did indeed have privacy. "Rumor says you got kicked out of sickbay earlier and had a nurse in tears. Something about a pregnancy test?"

Kara snorted and poured herself a shot. "You want one?" She glanced up, pointing to the second glass. "A shot, I mean."

Sharon was uneasy, her gaze moving over Kara -- probably noting the absence of her gun -- before sitting stiffly upright in the chair across from her. "Early in the day, but…. Sure."

With the glasses ready, Kara stared at them, listening to the silence. She heard her breaths and Sharon's as well. A machine breathing, she thought. So human sometimes. She avoided looking at Sharon.

"You asked for this meeting, remember?" Sharon didn't reach for the glass.

Kara nodded. "Love is the key, right? It has to go both ways? It can't just be one-sided?"

"That's the theory, yes. But you know that. I've told you before. Are you--"

She continued as though Sharon had not spoken. "Because I hate him. I want to eliminate every single copy of Leoben except the New Caprica one. Him I'm going to torture within a breath of death, until he begs for _nothingness_, you know? I want him to beg me to kill him so he can be away from me, safely downloading so far away that he won't see me again. I want him to taste bodily death on his tongue and know that I won't let it happen. I won't give it to him. I'll keep him against his will like he kept me and he will have no rescue." Flicking her glance up, she added, "Does that offend you as a Cylon, hearing of the torture planned for one of your own?"

Sharon's expression was neutral and Kara thought it was carefully so. "I've chosen my side and it doesn't matter if it bothers me or not."

"But do you feel it's a justified punishment for his actions?"

"Is torture justifiable at any time," Sharon countered.

Kara nodded. "Yeah, it frakking is. But maybe the best torture for him would be not to torture him. He likes his pain too much. What do you think? Which would be the best torture for Leoben? Physical pain or no?"

Sharon studied the wall a moment, then shrugged. "Hypothetically, have someone else torture him maybe?"

"How do you figure?" Kara leaned forward.

"Leoben has focused upon you. What could be more torture than to know you are there and have no contact with you?" She leaned forward as well. "Are you pregnant?"

Kara laughed, ignoring the hysteria that was always present in her laughter these days. "Oh frak no! Cottle says the 'absence of a menstrual flow can be an emotional stress reaction to a situation.' Two false positives, an inconclusive, and several negatives later, he says no way." She ran a finger around the glass rim. "Of course, he also told me calm the frak down and get the hell out of his sickbay because he had real problems to treat instead of imaginary pregnancies. It's not possible. I never loved Leoben, so it didn't happen."

Now Sharon drew the glass to her. "Why are you telling me this? A few days ago you were calling me names with some of the others and today you want to confide in me? I don't get it."

Kara shook her head. "I don't know." But she did know. Sharon was assaulted once, nearly raped. She knew what it felt like to be in that position. Kara remembered it. They had a common ground and how frakked up was it that she was curious how Sharon had coped? How had Sharon gotten past it? How had she been able to look at Helo and not seen the man who had attacked her?

So what? Her mind jeered. Are we going to be pals over it? Yeah right. She's a Cylon, remember? Don't let her deceive you.

It's not that cut and dried anymore, she returned. Sharon has proven herself. A lot of people trust her. Adama trusts her. Helo trusts her. Can I? Kara remembered what Helo had said about the launch keys and thought back over everything else she knew. Sharon had had ample times to betray them and hadn't. But she was still a Cylon and Kara wasn't sure she could look past that after all.

She shrugged, stretching her legs out. "Helo implied I've been a real bitch to you lately."

"He implied."

"Okay, he pretty much said it outright. Leoben messed up all of my reasonings, turned everything upside down. I look at you and I see--"

"I don't want a forced apology from you. If it's not real, don't say it."

She slapped the table with her palm. "_Frak_! I'm trying to explain."

Sharon sighed. "I know what you're getting at, okay? Forget it. We'll start new, right now, today. Right here."

Kara laughed a little, unbelieving. "You're frakking kidding me, right? Are you for real? Are you honestly telling me that you'll just forget everything?"

She nodded. "Of course. You're important to Helo. You're his close friend. Whatever or whoever is important to my husband is important to me."

Lifting her glass, Kara drank down the shot. She had no words for that announcement. As she swallowed, she saw Sharon drink as well, as though cementing the words.

Sharon set the glass down and crossed her arms on the tabletop. "You know…Kara…anyone who knows you can see you're hurting. We're all worried about you. We all want to help you."

"Who's this we, because I don't see too many people breaking down my door for a heart-to-heart." She poured them both a second shot, wondering if she was tripping on something or really having this conversation.

"Would you let anyone in if we did? Would you notice?" Sharon leaned forward a little more. "We've _been_ trying."

Kara sat up straight. How many times had friends started to talk and she'd pulled back from the conversation and left? How many times had she ignored the question, "You okay?" said in a quiet tone? How many times had she brushed aside anyone trying to have a private word with her? Looking back, she wondered if Sharon was correct. She shifted uncomfortably in the seat, shaking her head. "No, everyone has been giving me a wide berth these days."

"Adama cares. Helo cares. Apollo cares." She listed people off, tapping a finger on the tabletop with each name. "Your husband --"

"My _husband_ just left me! That hardly qualifies as caring!" Oh, but it did, didn't it? He left because he cared. He cared about her wants and wishes. He was doing what she wanted.

Her arm jerked, the liquor bottle tipping, spilling all over the table. Liquid rolled across the surface and onto the floor.

"Son of a--!" Kara stood, reaching for something, anything, to wipe up the spill, but as she dragged a piece of cloth over the bottle side, her mind tipped her backwards in time.

She was washing dishes and drying them, amused by the items missing from the cupboards.

"He loves you," came a voice from far away.

Leoben twisted her, shoved her against the wall. Kara's shoulder twinged with pain, the bottle and cloth dropping from her hands. "No," she said. "He doesn't love me. You don't do that to someone you love." She heard a crash. Leoben's fist snapped forward, punching her. Kara struggled to breathe, heard her clothes rip, felt his weight --

Sharon's voice cut through the scene, calm and soothing. "Where are you, Kara? Come on, come back. Look around for me. Tell me where you are. Look around. Please, Kara, focus."

She sucked in a breath, heard a hiss of pain and blinked. "I'm on the floor."

"Look at me. Tell me who I am."

For a second, she could not focus, but then she saw Sharon, kneeling beside her. "Sharon…Agathon."

"Good. Where are you right now besides the floor?"

A few more blinks, the room becoming clear once more in slow degrees. She saw the table, chairs and broken glass. She saw the beds on the walls, curtains open and the lockers for each. "I'm home," she whispered, becoming aware that the back of her right thigh was wet and that she was gripping Sharon's hands so tightly that she was drawing blood with her nails.

"Good. Let's get you up, okay?"

She let Sharon help her stand, but when she went to release her hand, Sharon didn't move away, concern and kindness in her eyes.

"Leoben raped you, didn't he? There was no consent --"

Kara touched her tongue to her lips, shook her head and shoved her away. "Get out!"

Sharon nodded. "I understand now."

She retreated to her bunk, closing the curtain and curling up. Kara lay still, drowning in exhaustion. Sharon remained with her for awhile, moving about on the other side of the curtain, probably cleaning up the broken bottle. Kara listened to her, glad there was no more conversation. Of all those around to see her like that, it had to have been Sharon. Why couldn't it have been someone who wasn't a Cylon? Finally, Sharon's voice came from directly outside. "I have to go meet Helo in the gym. Why don't you join us?" When she didn't reply, Sharon cleared her throat. "Okay. Another time then."

Kara took a shower to wash off the smell of the alcohol, then dressed and spent long minutes staring at the paper Sally had given her. Taking a deep breath, she went to find Sally, locating her cot after threading her way through the crowd of civilians. Sally was sleeping, lines of tension pulling at her features, and Kara realized how difficult the woman's job must be right now. She wasn't Sally's only patient by a long shot. She hesitated to wake her, gaze raising, drifting about the room.

So many people once more displaced from their homes. There were entire families crowded around a single cot, people crying, children trying to play in the crowded conditions. Was Kacey here somewhere, she wondered, or had she and her mother gone to another ship? Her heart ached at the thought of Kacey. Kara sighed and shook Sally. The woman came awake slowly, blinking before she shoved herself up to a sitting position.

"…uh…Captain?"

"You said anytime."

"Yes." She smothered a yawn.

"How about now?"

Sally stared at her, then tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded. "Give me a few minutes and we'll find a quiet place to talk."

Kara stood, looking about once more as she waited. I'm luckier than some of these people, she thought. For some, whatever home they'd had in the fleet is gone. Mine is still here. Determination straightened her spine. A lot of people were hurting, feeling as lost as she. It was there on the faces she saw. I will put myself back together, she told herself, no matter how long it takes. Leoben will not destroy my soul.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains torture and rape.  
Chapter 6  
Timeframe: Back on Galactica now, but still straying from canon. Probably enough to call this an 'AU' now.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.

* * *

_Why fight it? Why fight me? You know there will be pleasure simply from the lessening of the pain.__

* * *

_

While talking to Sally had been the idea, Kara couldn't make herself begin once they were seated. Instead, she put the moment off, sipping a cup of too bitter coffee and finding herself intensely curious as to what was in the bottle Sally had drawn out of her pocket and was rolling around her hands. Anything to avoid talking and she vaguely remembered seeing Sally take pills before, usually right before their sessions began. Kara knew very well that her curiosity was a diversionary tactic to keep from the task at hand and she let herself fall into it whole-heartedly. Finally, Sally popped the cap, shook a pill out into her palm and took it with an almost nervous demeanor. When finished, she put the cap on it and retuned it to her pocket.

"Medication," Kara asked.

Sally looked to her left and nodded. "Yes." She sighed and smiled. "Whenever you're ready."

"Right. Sure." Another sip of coffee. "How did you decide on your career? Did you always know what you wanted to be?"

The smile faded and Kara was intrigued by the glimpse of pain in Sally's eyes. "We're here to talk about _you_, not me." Her voice was tight, tense.

"Me, right. Yeah. How long have you been in this line of work?"

Sally blinked, then sat back in her chair. Her eyes narrowed. "Are you interrogating me?"

Kara watched her a moment, then shrugged. "Not the tone I meant to give. I can't be curious about you, Sally? I mean, here we are, you're asking me to bear my soul and I don't know the first thing about you."

"I'd rather not talk about me when we're in session." She drank her glass of water in several gulps, setting the glass back down with a hard thump.

"We're not technically in session. This is informal. Casual."

She licked her lips, fingers raising to wipe at the corners of her mouth. "Are you ready to talk, Captain?"

She shrugged again. No, she wasn't ready to talk. "Thought I was. Guess I'm not."

Sally nodded and though it looked as though she tried to keep irritation from rising, there was a flash of it in her gaze. "Well, you _did_ take an important step whether or not you can begin talking about what occurred. It's encouraging. However, if you don't think you can talk to me right now, I do need rest. I am happy to talk with you any time, but by talk I mean we talk about you, not me."

Kara didn't stop her from going. Sally's reaction to those few casual questions intrigued her as much as that glimmer of pain. She had touched a nerve and Sally was apparently still fighting her own demons. The thought that a professional could have the sort of baggage Kara herself carried made her doubt the effectiveness of therapy. Shouldn't a professional be free of emotional pains? She finished her coffee, then took the cup to be washed and returned to her bunk to snag some well-needed rest. Sleep sucked her under as soon as she closed her eyes.

Her routine changed. The next morning she woke with more energy than she'd had in a long time. It was amazing what a good night's sleep could do for a person, she decided, and headed out for a jog before she had to go on duty. The world seemed clearer around her, the edges of everything more defined. The hazy cocoon of fog around her was lifting. She smiled to herself, a barely there lifting of the corners of her mouth. She'd almost forgotten what clarity was like. Kara began slowly, easing into the jog, finding the rhythm. Her feet slapped on the floor and she concentrated on the sound and feel of her breaths, the movement of her legs and the beating of her heart. Heartbeat too fast, take it down a notch. She pushed herself to finish a short circuit, shaking her head to realize that she was somewhat out of shape.

Another mark of Leoben. Some days she thought he had put too many marks on her to even count. Her daily runs had been stopped under his care and the only exercise she'd had were the calisthenics she could do in quick bursts and, of course, fighting him during his attacks. Her endurance had dwindled over the months and was now a fraction of what it had been. That was going to have to change. She couldn't allow herself to be weak.

She let her mind partially blank during the jogs, not thinking of the past or the future. There was only the present, only right then. Kara was in the moment.

After her jog, she would shower, breakfast and report for duty. Since she couldn't be out flying, she poured over videos of the pilots in training missions, re-familiarizing herself with the strengths and weaknesses of those she worked with, readying herself for the day she would be back in the cockpit. She told Lee exactly what she thought of each one when he asked and when he didn't, pointing out sloppiness that could get any of them killed. They argued over her observations, usually in heated tones that had people stopping to see if they were going to end up in a fistfight. Half the time they slid into personal insults, each knowing just what to say to really hurt the other.

Kara wondered if there was any fixing their friendship. She missed him.

She was present when Sharon got a call sign, noting the happiness on Sharon's face and the reactions of the other pilots to her. They honored Sharon with the chosen call sign. 'Athena'. She was a Cylon, but she was _their_ Cylon. She was family and she fought for them. Some wore their trust on their faces and others wore their distrust. Colonel Tigh had snorted with obvious disgust, bitterness treading along the lines of his face as he drank down his shot, slammed the glass onto the table, and left without finishing their card game. Kara recognized a pain of the same magnitude as hers brimming in the man. They had both been marked heavily by the Cylon occupation and sometimes she wondered how Tigh had escaped mandatory counseling, while she had become mired in it. No one seemed to care if Tigh was drinking himself to death, just letting him go to it. He spent most of his free hours in a haze of alcohol and bitterness.

Although, her cynical side sneered, how is that different than the Tigh we all knew and loved before the occupation?

No one ordered him to counseling, at least that she was aware of. Or had he been ordered and refused? Kara didn't know and didn't ask. It wasn't as though he'd tell her anyway.

Kara lunched with Sally, a change in their session time since Sally now saw civilians as well as enlisted. She still couldn't bring herself to talk and so had to sit while Sally started her spiel all over again, returning to the list of PTSD symptoms and therapies available. How many of those fancy classes and services were really available or merely an ideal that Sally and male colleague presented? Kara didn't ask since she didn't plan on attending any classes. She watched Sally and as the nights without nightmares passed, leaving her refreshed from sleep instead of exhausted further, Kara became more aware that something about Sally bothered her. It was like a scab she kept picking at.

It wasn't one single thing. Yes, the too bright smile irritated her, as did the caring expression she'd finally noticed that Sally could turn on and off when she needed it. There was her manner, that sense of eagerness in the woman's voice when Sally urged her to talk about what had happened on New Caprica. Sally had heard the rumors spreading since Kara's reaction in sickbay and her manner had changed subtly, almost as though….

Kara drank her water and watched Sally take yet another of those damn pills she kept on her at all times. How many pills was it in just this half hour? Two? What the frak were they and why was she taking so many of them? What sort of medication had that kind of directions? She took another bite and chewed slowly. Sally was behaving as though the two of them had a lot in common. As though she really _did_ know what Kara was feeling.

Rather than comfort, it was making her uneasy. Kara felt like Sally was latching on to her more with each session and she hated it.

"You know," she said, interrupting another recounting of the importance of a support system, "I've been wondering how a successful therapist can stay sane with all of the things he or she hears all day, because you're not only dealing with your own issues, but also the issues of…what?…twenty or thirty others rattling around your head?"

"More. At least right now we have more."

She took another drink of water and asked as casually as possible, "Do _you_ have issues, Sally?"

Sally's hand dipped into her pocket. Kara knew that by the rattle of the pills in that bottle. "You're grilling me again, Captain. You've been doing that every day now." The bottle came out, her fingers toying with it. "We all have issues. Some are…bigger than others." Her fingers squeezed, the cap flying off, pills scattering across the tabletop. "Frak!" She scrambled to reach for them and return them all to the bottle.

Kara watched one pill roll off the edge of the table. Sally was looking the other way, trying to keep pills from rolling off the other side. Stretching out a hand, Kara stopped the progress of a few of the pills and shoved them towards the pile Sally had amassed. She made sure Sally saw her dust off her hands. Look, no pills.

"Excuse my slip of the tongue," Sally said, scooping up the last of the pills and placing the lid back on the bottle. "Thought I had the lid on tight."

"I've said worse."

"So have I, but never while working," was her dry reply.

"I've said a lot worse _while_ working." Sometimes frequently and not always out loud.

There was a pause before, "I'm sure you have, Captain. Well, since you're not wanting to talk about you yet, and I'm not going to enlighten you about me, we should finish tomorrow." Sally stood before Kara could reply. "If you'll excuse me." She hurriedly gathered her papers, her tray, and left.

When Sally's footfalls had faded, Kara glanced behind her, then leaned over and snatched the single white pill up off the floor. She studied it. It was just a pill, small and unmarked. It didn't look like any of the drugs they'd been on the lookout for, but anything a person popped like candy couldn't be good for them. Sally had claimed them to be medication. Kara didn't believe her. She wondered if Sally had access to drugs most people didn't. She was a doctor, right?

Kara went to sickbay, skirting the line of civilians waiting and finding Cottle busy with paperwork. He made a snorting noise when she approached, his attention fixed on the papers he was working on.

"I said ten minutes, are you deaf?" He glanced up, his expression darkening when he saw her. "Not _you_ again. Get it through your thick skull that you're not pregnant. I don't have time --"

Kara held out the pill. "Can you tell me what this is?"

His glance flicked to the pill and back to her face. "It's a pill."

"Thanks. Got that part. I know someone who's practically eating these and I'd like to know what two or three of these in a half hour can do to a person. Is it a normal dosage or is this person going to be a problem?"

Cottle set down his pen and reached for the pill. "A pilot?"

"No, but someone I suspect should know better." At least he wasn't throwing her out.

"Not a pilot," he repeated, glance narrowing and head tilting.

"No."

"Someone you see regularly enough to know they're taking that many in such a short period of time and someone who should know better."

Kara didn't nod or reply.

He set the pill down and lit a cigarette. Smoke drifted up from the tip. "Hmm. Come back later."

Despite hurrying back to duty, she was ten minutes late, walking into what appeared to be chaos. The smell of scorched metal and melted plastic made her nostrils twitch. Smoke made the large room hazy and the deck crew hurried back and forth. What had happened? They'd begun a training exercise well before she'd left, Lee waving her away with an order to take lunch while she could. Since the exercise had been going well, she hadn't argued that once.

Lee was now in a temper, his placid mood changed, striding right to her when he saw her. "You're late," he snapped.

"Ten minutes." She saw Chief Tyrol approaching behind Lee, his arms crossed and jaw tight. He gave a shake of his head when she caught his eye in mute question. Kara returned her regard to Lee and found him glaring at her. "What's going on?"

"If you can't be on time, then don't bother coming back." Anger blazed in his eyes. "Where were you?"

"I was in sickbay," Kara explained, putting her hands on her hips. "What happened?"

"Sickbay?" His brows raised, gaze dragging down her and back up. "What… you think you're pregnant again? Had to make an emergency trip?" Sarcasm wrapped about the words and he continued. "No, I know….the _stress_ of paperwork is sending you crying to Cottle now. Aren't you getting enough medical attention already with that shrink? Well, do you think you can get off your pity party long enough to be here on time for once? Frak, the time you're spending in sickbay lately, why don't you just live there? It'll make it easier to ignore your job, which is, as you might remember, right frakking here!"

If he was trying to piss _her_ off as well, he had a good start. She shook her head, trying to keep her temper reigned in. It wouldn't do any good to deck him, so she turned the sarcasm back to him. "No, I had so much fun the last time I was there, I thought I'd go back for giggles. Cottle's a real fun guy. What the _frak_ is your problem? I don't have to tell you why I went there, not to mention that the last I heard, it was still acceptable to go to sickbay." She motioned a hand towards the damaged ships. "Tell me what happened here already."

Chief Tyrol stepped closer until Lee finally looked at him, impatience in his voice. "What? What, Chief, what?"

"We need to--"

"Fix the ships, Chief. You need to fix the ships. I don't care how you do it, just get it done," Lee interrupted, talking over what the Chief was trying to say, his hand curving around Kara's arm and pulling her with him in the other direction. She had the impression they'd been arguing.

"What happened," Kara asked, glancing over her shoulder and tugging her arm free from his grip. People they passed quickly made themselves busy in another direction. "I was only gone an hour." She thought she could pretty easily guess what had happened without an explanation. The sorry state of two vipers told a definite story.

"I don't care how you do it ," he started, voice going lower then progressively louder as he spoke, "but get your ass back here. Talk to the shrink or whatever the hell she is and get yourself released because these _frakkers_ can't seem to get their shit together without us _both_ riding their asses!"

"Their incompetence is my fault because I'm not out there with them?" Kara crossed her arms. "Are you listening to yourself here?"

"Yes!" Lee blinked several times, licked his lips and shook his head. "No. Yes. Frak!" He rubbed his temples. "I don't like this. It's all gone to hell. We're making simple mistakes. It's just…_sloppiness_." He hissed the last word and Kara nodded. She'd been right. Mistakes had been made that should have been remedied ahead of time. He wasn't mad at her, but at himself. "We're going to be frakked beyond belief if this keeps up and the toasters find us while we're floundering about picking our noses."

"Do you need a time-out?"

"You're hilarious." He ran a hand through his hair, glanced towards the crew. "I mean that."

"Actually, Lee," she pushed her tongue against her cheek, "I was serious about that one."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, his anger deflating into weariness. "I mean it, Kara. Get back here. I need you out there. _We_ need you out there."

She snorted. "You think I'm dragging my heels? I'd rather be out there than doing paperwork for eight hours at a time."

"I'd rather you weren't doing paperwork, too," he drawled.

"Are you implying, Major, that my skills at writing reports are lacking?"

"I never said that."

"Sounded like it." She slipped her hands into her pockets and tilted her head.

"You're imagining things, Starbuck. Reports are reports and those you've turned in have been…" He began to saunter away. "…adequate."

"Adequate?"

"Perfectly adequate."

"What's that supposed to mean," she called after him.

"You know…adequate." And then he was in conversation with Hotdog and Kat.

It hit her hours later that their exchange had ended in an almost normal manner.

* * *

Sally was popping anti-depressants. Kara wondered if Cottle had figured out who she'd gotten the pill from. He had sent her a simple, terse message about the pill she'd given him -- what it was and no other detail. He hadn't told her if the dosage Sally took was a problem or not and she assumed he'd deal with it. Of course, he could only deal if he knew about Sally. 

"How many more mandatory sessions are there," she asked when Sally fell into silence.

"Well, the set amount decided upon in your case was twelve weeks. Long enough to show us if coping was even going to--"

"Twelve weeks is a long time to have daily sessions."

Sally didn't look at her. Her answer was a long time coming. "Oh, I never said the sessions were daily. That was your decision, Captain."

What? When had she decided _that_? She didn't remember having a choice in the matter. "Excuse me? _My_ decision?" Kara leaned forward, arms crossing on the table.

"You were the one who came back everyday." Sally's expression shifted, the tiniest glimmer of smugness in her gaze. "You knew you needed help and you chose that route."

Anger thrummed through her body, shooting from nonexistence to boiling in seconds. Sally had lied to her, a lie of omission. She'd left out that little detail. Who did this manipulating bitch think she was? "I came _back_ because I thought I had to every day. You _implied_ I had to and never said one word about the frequency. How many of these damn sessions do we have left?"

"I can recommend --"

"I don't give a gods-damn flying frak what you recommend, Sally. How many sessions?" She enunciated the words clearly, so there was no way Sally could misunderstand what she was asking.

A dull flush spread along Sally's cheekbones. "I understand that you're upset --"

"No, I don't think you do understand just how much you have pissed me off!"

"If I had told you two sessions a week for twelve weeks, where would you be?" She hurried to speak, the words sliding together in a jumble. "You'd still be denying anything is wrong. You wouldn't have taken an active step towards resolution --"

"Tell me how many." Kara gritted the words out. She had her teeth ground together so tightly that her jaw was already beginning to ache. Her hands clenched into fists.

"As many as it takes. I don't have to clear you at the end and I won't if I don't think you're ready. I am here to help you in any way I can."

"Even lying to me? You're a real piece of work, Sally. You lie to all of your patients?" Kara dragged her sweatshirt on and zipped it up.

"I never lied to you! I simply let you decide how fast you went through the twelve weeks worth of sessions. _Your_ mandatory treatment. _You_ were motivated. _You_ didn't want to spend your life in the pain _he_ left you in. So much pain and you thought he'd never stop. Every day you waited for what you knew would come. Thoughts of killing him got you though the day and when he was gone, you thought it would help, but all it did was put him in your head…." She gasped for breath, struggled to compose herself. "_You_ made a decision and now you're upset with me because…I didn't slow down the healing momentum you built up?" Tears slipped down her face.

Kara shook her head over and over. Though Sally's words could easily apply to Kara, she knew that Sally had begun speaking about herself. She spoke of her own pain, her own treatment and ultimately, her own 'he'. "You lied. It's as simple as that." This woman is nuts, she thought. She can't help anyone, not even herself. Pity shot through her. Sally was falling apart. How long had it taken for her to come to this point? Her own determination tripled. There was no way she wanted to ever be like Sally.

"It was for your own good."

Shoving her chair back, Kara stood, placing her hands flat on the tabletop and leaning down into Sally's face. "For my own good? You don't know me. How can you presume to judge what is best for me?" She snorted so hard she hurt her throat. "'For my own good.' Leoben told me that, too. 'It's for your own good, Kara.' 'I'm only trying to help you.' 'I only want to make you see.'" Kara leaned in so close that Sally jerked backwards and nearly tipped over her chair. "Nice. You like being compared to a Cylon, Sally?"

Sally flinched.

Kara stood straight. "I'm done with your sessions. I won't come back."

"I could recommend you stay grounded."

"Don't start a pissing match with me, because you will lose every time." Turning, she left. Hell would freeze before she went back for another session with Sally and if she was confronted about it, she'd spell out her reasons quite clearly.

* * *

Kara had found that the best time to hit the gym was early in the morning, or during the dinner hour. Her morning workouts began with a jog, then alternated between the different machines. She drove herself, imagining she could feel the strength rolling through her body with each rep. Sometimes Helo popped in long enough to request that she join him later in the day to spar and sometimes, after Sharon was christened Athena, Sharon would come in with Racetrack. That amused Kara, considering the comments Racetrack had made once. Now the two seemed to be friends. 

She was trying to fix Sharon's call sign in her mind, to obliterate every other name that went with the face and keep their interactions from being mired in the past, but it was a daily task. She still thought of Sharon as Sharon.

Three days passed since her last session with Sally and while she had not been reprimanded yet, Kara knew that there would be fallout eventually. She couldn't expect to walk away from mandatory sessions without consequences, could she? A state of anticipation began to grow inside her. When would that shoe fall? Anytime she saw Adama walking her way, she thought he'd say something, but he didn't. No one did. Nor did Cottle or that male colleague of Sally's. They all left her alone on the matter.

Kara entered the gym, surprised to see Cally waiting and looking as though she was waiting just for her. Kara watched her for a minute, noting the half-hearted attempt at one machine and the glances Cally gave her. She shook her head and began her own workout. It was a good ten minutes before Cally cleared her throat.

"Can I ask you something," Cally said, letting go of the handle on her weights too quickly. The weights slammed down and she yelped in surprise. A sheepish expression crossed her face. "Sorry."

"Go ahead." Kara did bicep curls, carefully checking her form to get optimum results.

"Do you ever…. I mean… It's just…." She made a noise of frustration. "I had this all planned in my head and I'm messing it up." The last bit was said under her breath as she wiped her hands on her thighs.

"Cally." Kara stopped and set the weight down. "Spit it out."

Her eyes widened. "Okay. I need a workout buddy. Someone to call me on it if I miss a workout, you know?" She looked as though she was afraid Kara would hit her at any moment.

"Yeah, I know what a workout buddy is."

"Would you…." She shrugged. "Between Nick, Galen and work…." Cally sighed. "I know you can kick my ass about it."

Kara frowned, then shook her head. "You want me to kick your ass? I'm not a personal trainer, Cally."

"I know." She pointed to the weights next to Kara. "You know what you're doing, though."

"Why not ask Chief to help you?" Again, she picked up the weight.

Cally laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

Kara's brows raised. She wasn't and couldn't figure out why Cally laughed at the idea. Personally, she had enjoyed working out with Sam. "Kidding," she repeated. "Right." Why her though? Didn't Cally know about fifty other people she could ask? "I'm coming in early tomorrow." That would deter her, right?

"I have a baby. I can do early," Cally replied, looking as though she'd accomplished a task she'd thought impossible.

Shrugging, she shook her head. "It's your time, Cally. It's gonna be hard work."

They made final plans. Cally watched Kara workout for awhile, then left with a promise to be there bright and early the next morning. Had she ever been even remotely like Cally? With four more reps, she decided she was done and headed back for a shower before it was duty time.

Kara set out her clothes and was soon in the shower, relaxing under the spray. She took a deep breath, bending her head and wetting her hair. A scent drifted to her in the stall. It was musky with a bit of spice to it. Dread raced across her flesh, the hairs on her arms raising. She turned, looking out into the room, and saw Leoben.

She was in the apartment bathroom, trying to take a shower and ignore how he had walked right in. She'd thought he wouldn't cross that line. Why would he? He claimed to love her and didn't that mean he'd give her some privacy sometimes? Kara blinked. He finished putting on cologne and glanced over at her. He smiled and came to her.

Kara fell in to the memory.

* * *

Where was Leoben? Was he waiting for her outside? Kara drew her knees in tighter to her chest, her tears mingling with the water from the shower. She tipped her head back, let the water wash them away. If only her soul could be washed as easily as her body. 

Voices intruded into her solitude, whispers of friends, echoes of the past. They weren't real. Were they?

…_long has she been like this…_

…_hours? Not sure when she came in here…._

…_who found her?…_

…_Racetrack…_

They aren't real, Kara thought. They can't be real. They're just thoughts of Galactica peeking through the bars of Leoben's prison for me. There's no escape, none, none at all. Frak, someone help me!

…_she hit you…_

…_thought she was sleepwalking. I tried to wake her…_

That was Lee's voice, wasn't it?

…_not sleepwalking…need something to…her hand…ground her in the present…_

Kara blinked, more tears slipping free. She needed to pull herself together, to show that bastard he hadn't affected her. He hadn't broken her, _wouldn't_ no matter what he did. She wasn't going to do what he wanted, _be_ what he wanted. Be strong, she told herself.

The voices continued, like a recording running through her mind of a conversation she didn't remember ever hearing before.

…_the **frak** do you know? Who made **you** an authority on…_

That was Lee again, so close that he seemed real, but he couldn't be there with her. Galactica and the Pegasus had gone and they were all left behind. Lee wouldn't concern himself with her. Not anymore. Not when he hated her. It had to be an auditory hallucination and nothing more.

…_trust me. We have to…Kara…hand…_

I'm going crazy, she thought. Leoben has driven me over the edge. I'm hearing Sharon in my head.

…_hand…hand…hold out…_

She squinted. What was that about her hand? And why was the light suddenly so much brighter than it had been?

…_it's Sharon. I'm here like before. I won't leave. Hold out your hand for me…_

Her hand. That's what Sharon was talking about. She laughed. Humor the voice and make it go away. Kara held out her hand, felt something placed in her palm. For a second, she thought she saw Sharon and Lee in front of her and then they were gone, faded like the ghosts they were. The object, however, remained. She squeezed it, trying to ascertain whether or not it was real.

…_go the frak elsewhere…Occupied, okay?…_

That was Racetrack's voice, farther away than Lee and Sharon's, yet still there with her. Kara rolled the object in her palm, wondering what Leoben would do to find her having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom.

_Kara, describe the object._

"Small, hard and round." Her own voice was jarring, harsh and too loud.

Sharon was in front of her, a stack of towels at her side. "I want you to repeat after me. One."

She stared at her, blinked and shook her head, beginning to shiver under the water spray. "You're not real. You're not here. You're a hallucination."

Sharon didn't argue, simply said the word again. "One."

"If I close my eyes and open them again, you'll be gone."

"Repeat it, Kara. One."

Closing her eyes didn't make Sharon go away, so Kara allowed she might be somehow real. Was she saved? Had Galactica and the Pegasus come back and found her? Were Sharon, Lee and Racetrack her rescuers? "One."

"Two."

"Two." Sharon's image blurred and Kara blinked several times trying to keep her in focus. What the frak? Two bathrooms super-imposed upon each other. Breakdown, her mind whispered. That's all it is. Time to traipse off into La-La land, Kara. It's okay. You're just going slightly mad. Nothing to worry about.

"Ball."

She hesitated, glance flicking to Lee. He had blood smeared under his nose and a confused expression on his face. He watched her like she was an unpredictable animal that could go wild at any moment. "Ball." The object in her palm was round and so was a ball.

"Three."

"Three." Any minute now, Leoben would come in and jerk her back to reality. Right? She would blink and it would be him in front of her and not Sharon.

"Seven."

"Seven?" Her vision sharpened, cleared and she could see Racetrack to one side, apparently guarding the doorway. Her gaze drifted about from one object to another, touching upon toiletries set out, towels on the floor and then did a circuit between the three with her.

"Four." Sharon moved closer, her knees settling into the water puddle. Kara watched the fabric of Sharon's pants soak up the water. "Lee, turn off the water slowly. Do not startle her." Her tone was calm, unhurried.

"What happens if I do," he asked, raising up to his feet and reaching over her head.

"Maybe she hits you again? I don't really know."

"Four," Kara said as the water stopped. Next came five and six and…

"Viper." Sharon took a towel and draped it across Kara's raised knees.

"Viper," she repeated dully, raising her hand to look at the object in her palm. Was that a marble? Confusion rose inside her, racing with weariness to claim her fully. She realized her butt was numb, her fingers pruned from water saturation. Kara looked back at Sharon. "Are you real?"

Sharon's fingers stretched out, inviting touch, though not touching. "What do _you_ think?"

She was half afraid the hand would dissolve under her touch, but the fingers were warm and solid. "You're real." Releasing Sharon's hand, she reached towards Lee. He crouched, then knelt fully in the water. Kara touched his face, frowned and jerked her hand away. She'd felt warm skin under her touch. She used the towel on her knees to blot her face. "I'm cold."

As soon as she was swathed in towels, Lee stepped outside the room, leaving her to Sharon and Racetrack. They helped her to stand, steadying her when her knees buckled, and Kara grimaced as feeling rushed back into her rear. The clothes she'd set out had been exchanged for sweats and brought in to her. She didn't know when that had happened. She could remember now that she'd worked out, spoken with Cally, and gone to take a shower before heading for duty. Something had triggered the episode, but what? The memory of whatever had triggered it was gone. Kara had no idea how she'd ended up sitting like that in the shower stall or what had happened during that time.

She drew on the sweats and slanted a questioning look at the two. "I'm on duty."

Sharon took the towels from her and set them aside. "No, you're not. You were in that fugue state for over three hours. You're in no shape --"

"I can work," she insisted, ignoring the fact that she now felt light-headed and shaky.

"Oh for frak's sake, Starbuck, take the rack time." Racetrack shook her head. "Gods, you're barely standing."

"Gee thanks."

The two worked together, shielding her from questions and doing a fair imitation of guard dogs until she was fully dressed and sitting on her bunk with blankets wrapped around her. Lee promptly stepped forward, asking questions in a careful, urgent tone without giving her time to answer. Somewhere in the barrage of questions, Racetrack left, moving so quietly that Kara would not have realized she'd gone if she hadn't seen her leave. Lee's tone gradually changed when she didn't answer, becoming both demanding and harsh. She thought she heard an edge of panic in it as well, but why would that be? Lee still hated her, right?

Sharon…Athena…remained, positioning herself in Lee's way, making him angry, his fists clenching. She had the sudden idea that Sharon would fight to keep Lee back -- as though she was Kara's best friend protecting her from harm. The very idea made her giggle weakly. Kara sat wrapped in the blankets and tried to begin forming answers for those queries through a mind that felt numb and almost blank.

"You think Kara here needs a bodyguard; that she needs protected from _me_?"

"Does she?"

Lee tried to step around Sharon and she blocked him once more. "She can defend herself just fine, Athena. Frak off and get out of my way." Blocked once more, he whirled, kicked the wall and turned back. "I want to know what that was in there and I want to know now, not ten minutes, twenty or an hour from now. I want to know this second and I don't _care_ if that pisses you off, Athena. Not to mention that your ass should be on duty right now."

"I was needed here," she replied.

"You were needed," he repeated, making a scoffing noise. "Did one of those mystical Cylon visions tell you that?" His sarcasm was heavy, weighing down the words.

Kara had noticed he was often sarcastic these days and she blinked, feeling as though she was hearing and seeing in slow motion.

"I came looking for you and after something that happened a few days ago, I thought I could help."

"Something that happened a few days ago? This is a repeat thing then? Anyone going to bother telling me?"

Kara slid down a little, adjusting the pillow behind her back. She was no longer freezing cold, just bone weary. "You didn't need to know. At least not then," she whispered, then launched into her answers to those questions he'd asked. Apparently, they didn't hear her, for they kept talking, Lee in his angry tone and Sharon in that carefully controlled voice. Finally, she just leaned her head back and cleared her throat. She was tired enough to let them run out of steam before jumping in. Besides, it took too much effort to talk.

"She probably thought you were him."

"Him." Lee managed to circle Sharon, but turned his back to Kara. "Leoben? Why would she think I was him? She was in the _shower_ --"

"I think she's having flashbacks."

"You can talk to _me_," Kara said to no one in particular. "I am right here."

"Maybe hallucinations to go with them. When she hit you, it wasn't personal, it was likely fighting back," Sharon's voice lowered, "maybe even changing the way it had played out back then to give herself control over a situation she'd had _no_ control of at all."

"She was in the shower, Athena."

"Yes, I know that."

Their voices went even lower, too low for her to hear and then she saw Lee's back stiffen.

"Frak!" His fist flew out, hitting a locker with a crash. He repeated the word and action twice, ending the last with something like a sob. "How could…" He cut himself off, his breaths loud and controlled.

A curious calm settled in her belly, the sort of calm one got when something dreaded has passed by. Lee knew the truth now, didn't he? Sharon…Athena had clued him in. She couldn't find it in her to be upset by it.

Sharon came around him and sat down on the floor at Kara's side. "I'm staying awhile. Kara shouldn't be alone right now."

"You're on duty…_Athena_." He didn't turn around.

"I'll stay extra or you can have me put in the brig or…whatever. But do it tomorrow, because I'm staying…_Apollo_."

What was he thinking? Kara wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Lee turned and crouched down. She looked at him long enough to see that he'd wiped the blood away before turning her face to the side. When he spoke, his voice was neutral, calm and even gentle. "I wasn't trying to hurt you in there, Kara. I thought you were sleepwalking. I thought you'd sleepwalked in there and missed your--"

"I don't remember you in there, Lee."

He started to say something, his breath expelling in a burst. "Will you look at me, please?"

Kara hesitated. Get it over with, she told herself. Look in his eyes and see what he thinks of you now. She met his gaze, surprised to see him flinch and stand.

"Gods, Kara, don't look at me like that!" He took several steps back, hands held up and open, where she could see them. "It wasn't your fault. What he did was not your fault."

"Is that what you _really_ think?" She crossed her arms. "Or do you think I was just waiting for it, because you know…that Kara Thrace can't keep her legs closed. She'll frak any guy if you give her a chance. Doesn't matter if he's human or Cylon, just wind her up and let her go." She wet her lips with the tip of her tongue. "It's what people say, isn't it? And it's what you've been thinking since I made that scene in sickbay, right?"

His skin took on a greenish, sick cast, but he didn't deny the accusation.

Sharon got to her knees, holding a hand out to both of them. "Stop! Now is not the time for this!"

Lee shook his head. "You think you know what I'm thinking, Kara? You think I believe all of that?" His brows raised. "You have no idea what I'm thinking."

"You," Sharon pointed at him, "go!"

Lee went without an argument and Kara closed her eyes against the image of his stricken expression -- those few brief seconds before he walked away. She had expected to see anger, not…_that_. She buried her hands in her hair. "I'm so tired," she whispered.

"Then sleep. It's what you need."

"Why are you helping me?"

"Because that's what friends do."

"Are we friends, Sharon?" Looking over, she corrected, "_Athena_?"

"I would call you friend, Kara." With a dip of her head, she added, "_Starbuck_."

Kara shook her head. "I don't get you."

"I know. You still expect me to be the stereotypical Cylon and when I don't, it confuses everyone. Do you want me to stay?"

"You told Lee you were."

"Yeah, well I didn't think you'd want him grilling you over the flashback when you need rest to recover from it. He meant well and all--"

"What do you know about flashbacks," Kara interrupted her, then yawned long and hard enough to make her ears pop. She slid down until she was laying down, adjusting her position until she was comfortable.

Sharon shrugged, a graceful movement. "Just what I read up on after the other day. I never had flashbacks, just nightmares mostly and those still haven't completely gone away. It's not the scenarios anymore, but rather the sense of helplessness. I wake up feeling so…vulnerable." She sighed. "It takes time." Her gaze raised to Kara's in a steady, understanding stare. Why was it that it had grated when coming from Sally, yet it didn't from Sharon? "I didn't have the option of professional therapy. What I had was Helo and eventually…Adama, but that was a long time coming. It was a daily process of choices, some good and some bad, and not being willing to let it keep me from life, because life happens whether or not you let yourself feel it happening."

Kara's eyes slipped shut.

"You can bury yourself and ignore everything, but one thing remains a truth: people need other people. We need contact with others."

She fell asleep before she could comment; before she could remind them both that Sharon -- Athena -- was not human.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Author: kasey8473  
Summary: Leoben decides that Kara needs a lesson. Warning: This work is dark and contains torture and rape.  
Chapter 7  
Timeframe: Moved firmly into AU territory. Season 3.  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: Due to personal matters, chapter 8 could be after Christmas, though I shall try to have it ready before then. Anyone curious as to my progress can find notes on just that in my Live journal (my profile has the address).

* * *

_Feel it? Relief. Pleasure._

* * *

Her dreams were free of hurting images. Kara woke slowly, stretching. She was wide awake and it was hours before she had to be awake yet. She'd managed to sleep for over fourteen hours straight. Rolling over, she sat up and opened the curtain, then frowned and leaned to her right a little. 

Sam was on the floor, halfway propped up at the end of her bunk, his hair sticking up and a soft snore coming from his lips. He had rarely snored and when he did, they were always barely there noises. His legs were splayed out in an angle that would have been uncomfortable if he was awake.

"Morning Starbuck," came a whisper and she looked up, acknowledging Racetrack, who was playing a solo card game at the table.

Kara jerked a thumb at Sam. "Why's he here?"

She shrugged. "He said a man should be around to comfort his wife. No one argued. Tried to give him a blanket or pillow at least, but he muttered something about a reversal of roles and plopped down there. He looked like death warmed over, too." She glanced over, pursed her lips. "Still does."

Stretching again, Kara tossed the covers off. Why was Racetrack sitting there awake at this hour? She opted for bluntness in her query. "So… Are you guarding me?"

"Guarding?" Her brows rose and she flipped a few more cards. "Not hardly. I'm supposed to be getting some rack time, but couldn't sleep. Wired, you know? It was one of those days."

"I know the feeling."

"Oh, and Cottle and some other guy came in while you were asleep." She shook her head. "Frak it all. I should have won at least once by now. _Not_ fair. How does Kat do it?" She gathered the cards, shuffling them.

Kara snorted. "Cottle made a house call? Put that in the history books. What'd he want?"

"No kidding. Yeah, they came in, had Apollo with them, and kicked all of us out but him and Athena. I don't know. They were all in here for over an hour."

"Gods," Kara spat. Just what I need, she thought. "I am so frakked."

"Aren't we all? Hey," she looked up, held up some cards, "wanna play something? I could be persuaded into procrastinating awhile longer."

As tempting as it was, she didn't think she could sit and play cards right now. "Maybe later."

"Shoot." Disappointment dragged her mouth down into a frown.

Kara smiled, raised a hand and pointed two fingers at her. "Bang."

Racetrack laughed, gathering the cards and standing. "On that note, I think I'll drag my sorry ass to bed. 'Later."

"Yeah." When silence again fell, Kara looked at Sam. Should she wake him? He looked strangely cute in that awkward position. She studied his features, let herself enjoy looking at him. Sam was a handsome man and even in sleep there was a strength to him. She remembered what it had felt like to kiss him, to feel his warm response and to be held in his arms.

They had been happy together for awhile on New Caprica, when all of the dust had settled. She had tried to be a good wife.

Sighing, Kara stood, getting dressed as quietly as possible. Why was he here? Why had he come back after saying he was leaving? Kara fastened her belt. Had he filed the paperwork yet? It would be for the best. Once he was gone, really gone, he'd be happy he had left. He would realize that she was not what he needed. He would eventually find another woman -- maybe in a year or two -- and settle down. There would be babies and happiness and all those things they two had begun planning on New Caprica. Would the woman be someone she already knew, or would Sam go outside Galactica? He would be happy then, truly happy, and Kara would just be the frakked up ex the new missus wondered about. Time could not fix them no matter what Sam probably thought.

Her thoughts turned to the moments before she'd fallen to sleep rather than speculate upon Sam anymore. Questions swirled in her mind. What was Lee really thinking? What would their next meeting be like and how soon until she was informed she was being relieved of duty? That could be the only outcome, right? Cottle and that man, Sally's colleague, would have decided that while they looked her over and heard what Lee and Sharon had to say. Would her discharge be an honorable medical one?

She drew on her shoes and stood. A fatalistic bent took hold of her. Only one outcome, she told herself. Try and accept it now before it happens. Go and take a last look at the flight deck before being sent away.

Kara didn't wake Sam. He was asleep, so let him sleep. At the door, she stopped and returned to him, taking her blanket and draping it across his form. Gods, she thought, I really did marry an idiot, turning down a pillow and blanket like that. Crouched, she stretched out her hand, fingers almost touching his cheek before she jerked back and stood, hurrying to leave.

The hour was late -- or early depending on the point of view -- and she had the corridors to herself. There was no hectic rushing that the day hours generally brought. Oh, she passed people here and there, but not like during the day. The flight deck was quiet and shadowed. Kara felt a twinge of sadness as she found a spot and sat. Soon, she was lost in her thoughts. She reminisced, aching for what had been. What would her life be after this? If not a Viper pilot, then what was there for her? What could Kara Thrace do?

"Captain? You're…uh…you're in my spot."

She looked up. Galen Tyrol stood over her. "Chief." She shouldn't be surprised to see him here, since this was his element, but she was. Why was he here so early? He looked tired and distracted. She wiped a finger under her eyes. Did he see the few tears there? "What're you doing here?"

"Dad getaway moment. I needed some quiet. It was Cally's orders." One brow raised in a gesture of wry amusement. "I didn't think anyone else would be here."

"I'll go."

"No, stay." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "I'll just go over there. You won't know I'm here." He began to walk away.

All of a sudden, Kara wanted company and his would do nicely. "Hey Chief, what do you mean by 'your spot'?"

He stopped, turned back, scratching a finger along his jaw. "Well," he began, returning. "It's the one place you can sit and take in all the smells and sounds as a whole. The acoustics are right, the air flow…everything. In the quiet, like right now, there's this sense of readiness, you know? Any second now we could be running our asses off and we are ready."

"Expectation," Kara murmured.

"When we _are_ running, this spot right here is the eye of the storm and it is frakking beautiful. It all collides right here, like an out of time experience. For just a few seconds you can see everything."

She understood the feeling, that sudden quick sense of seeing past, present, and future all surrounding the moment.

"Not _literally_ see everything, but…yeah. It's just beautiful."

"I think I came here for that reason." Maybe not the exact reason, but close enough. Here she was pondering her life. Her future.

He sat beside her. "Cally told me you're gonna help her in the gym."

"She asked nicely, what can I say?"

His smile was full of pride. "Yeah, she wants to get strong. I told her she's strong already, but she doesn't see it. She points out that she can't bench anything and that she's too out of shape to do a single sit-up or push-up."

"I'll whip her into shape, Chief."

"Not too much shape, right? I like her how she is."

"As much as she wants."

There was silence for several minutes and then he glanced askance at her. "Do you…want to sit in your ship, Captain? Bond with it?"

Her brows raised. "Bond with it?" Leaning over, she sniffed loudly. "You tasting from the still, Chief?"

He chuckled. "No, not lately. I just thought you might miss it. A couple of the others did that first thing. I expected you to come down and then you didn't. Surprised me a little."

Kara didn't reply, turning her gaze around the room, touching upon all of the things she was going to miss.

"You'll be back any day though."

She smiled, but it held more than a little sadness to it. "You know something I don't?"

"The Fleet needs you. Give us one Cylon attack and you'll be back here so fast all we'll see is the back end of your Viper as you head out." He stood. "Come on."

She followed him and soon was sitting in the cockpit, sans suit and once more impatient to be flying. Chief Tyrol slipped away.

"Damn," she whispered. "Waiting around sucks ass."

Kara almost wished they had woken her up with their decision rather than let her sleep. This was the other shoe, wasn't it? When would she know? How soon until she was called in and told her fate on Galactica? She touched the instrument panel, ran her fingers over the familiar gauges. In her mind's eye, she saw herself in space, the explosion from the destruction of a Cylon Raider beautiful in her sightline. Kara sighed.

She looked up and saw Adama watching her from above, his hands on the railing. He was far enough away that she couldn't see his expression. How long had he been watching? Climbing out, she began to walk to meet him but when she made her way up there, he was already gone.

She wandered aimlessly until it was time to meet Cally. The young woman was early for their meeting and while she was hesitant at first on the machines, Cally soon warmed up to them. Cally's enthusiasm brought a genuine smile to Kara's face as the hour went on and by the end of their time, Cally's confidence had definitely seemed to increase. Maybe helping Cally wouldn't be a chore.

Returning to the bunkroom, Kara discovered that Sam was gone and her blanket was folded neatly on her bed. She glanced at the time, sniffed at her shoulder, and thought about taking a shower while she got out a change of clothes. The previous morning weighed heavily upon her thoughts. What if it happened again? Dread sank sharp talons into her back and clung there. What if she woke hours from now like she had the day before? Knowing that she had been unaware of what had really transpired around her during that time sent a shiver up and down her spine. Kara licked her lips. Maybe she didn't really need a shower. Maybe she could just wait until later. Bending her head, she held out the front of her shirt and sniffed it too. She grimaced. A shower was definitely needed and couldn't be put off.

But what if she saw Leoben again? What if…. Indecision tore at her. She needed to bathe. The smart thing to do would be to have someone watch her, someone like Sharon, to make sure she got through the shower safely. The thought of asking someone to do that bothered her, like doing so would be saying she needed help, which she didn't. Did she?

She sniffed again, nose wrinkling. "Frak," Kara whispered. A quick glance showed her that time was running out. She _did_ need help, at least for a few minutes. Her gaze swept over each curtain in turn, noting which were closed and which were open and one closed that indicated it's pilot had finally slept after all. The same pilot she vaguely remembered hearing had found her and gotten help.

Before she could second guess herself, she went to Racetrack's bunk and woke her. Racetrack had been there the day before, just like Sharon, and as there was no time to both find Sharon _and_ shower before she had to report….

Kara didn't _want_ to ask; she _had_ to. It was just this once. The memory of the day before was too fresh in her mind to ignore.

"Starbuck?" Racetrack yawned and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it? Did I oversleep? Gods, I did, didn't I?"

"I'm on in half an hour."

"Oh." She shook her head as though trying to clear sleep from her mind. "Why are you waking me? I've still got time then." Another yawn split her features and she struggled to sit up with her covers twisted about her body.

"I need to take a shower."

Racetrack's gaze was puzzled, her mouth open a fraction. "So….?"

Kara looked away. "Keep watch on me." She put her hands on her hips, drummed her fingers. "Anything out of place." The need for this was humiliating, but she gritted her teeth and forged on anyway. "Anything at all."

There was quiet for a long moment and then a rustle of cloth. Racetrack touched her arm, bringing Kara's attention back to her. "Like yesterday?"

"Yeah." She hated the necessity of asking but if it happened again, she wanted someone to bring her out of it quickly. She wanted an out. "You saw what Sharon did, right?"

"Sure. No problem."

The shower was only a shower, water and soap washing her body clean and Racetrack didn't make conversation save a mention that she was going to get as much sleep as possible before dressing and going on duty. She was already back in bed with the curtain closed before Kara was half dressed.

Kara was one minute late for duty, but that could be argued by watch time if Lee wanted to argue. She greeted Hotdog and Kat and looked for Lee. She found Sharon instead, who excused herself from Helo and motioned for Kara to walk with her.

"You look well rested." Sharon kept her voice pitched low and picked up a clipboard, handing it to Kara and leading her to one Viper.

"No bad dreams." She clicked the pen on.

"That's good news."

"Sure." Kara nodded. "Until they come back even worse."

"It _will_ get better, Kara."

"Sure." She rested the clipboard against her hip. "What did Cottle want?"

Sharon shrugged, watching her with a concerned stare. "Just to check you over; to know what exactly happened. He took your blood pressure, listened to your heartbeat, took your temperature."

"And the other? What did _he_ want?" Kara didn't even pretend to be looking the Viper over.

"He asked us questions, mostly about your after reaction."

"What did you tell him?"

Sharon tilted her head a little to one side. "The truth, Kara. I told him the truth and so did Lee."

But what, she wondered, had been said by all? Her curiosity rose. "And?"

"And what? What is it you're wanting to know?"

Touching her hand to the Viper, Kara shook her head. "Nothing. Never mind." She gave a quick smile. "Thank you for yesterday."

"You're welcome."

Kara retreated to work on the papers that had piled up since she'd missed the previous day's shift. It seemed to her as though Lee -- and everyone else -- was saving all of the paperwork for her each day. As the minutes ticked by, she kept looking up for Lee, wondering what he would say when she saw him. How was he going to treat her now that he knew the truth? What would be different? It stood to reason that _something_ would be different, though now that she thought about it, neither Sharon nor Racetrack had treated her differently this morning at all. She wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.

Am I so frakked up that an hours long fugue state is considered a normal occurrence for me?

Finally, she saw Lee approaching. He had papers in his hands and an odd expression on his face that indicated he was struggling with something. How to treat her maybe?

"If you're bringing me more paperwork, you can go frak yourself," she told him in a cheerful tone.

Lee looked at her, his gaze moving over her face as though searching for...what? What was he seeking so intently to find? "Nope. Not paperwork." His voice was distracted. "How are you this morning and I mean _really_, not the 'I'm fine' crap you've been giving everyone these days."

Kara shrugged a shoulder. "I've had better days, but I've also had worse."

His head dipped in a slow nod. "Okay." He raised the papers. "For you."

"What are they?"

"This," he dropped a sheaf of papers in front of her, "is called a 'written test'."

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "On what?"

"Procedures, things like that, and before you argue that you're not on flight duty to try and get out of it, allow me to remind you that tests don't count as duty."

"Right. You," she pointed at him, "are giving me," her finger pointed at herself, "a test?"

"Sure."

Kara flipped open the papers and snorted. "Frak, Lee, you could have at least changed the order of the questions. I _wrote_ this test. What, did you just dig this out of the files five minutes ago?"

There was a smirk on his lips, but a shadow of concern remained in his eyes. "Then you'll remember all the answers, won't you?"

She gave him a pitying look. "Are you having to stretch this badly to find me things to do?"

"Nope." He shook his head. "Let me know when you're done."

Kara wrote at length, expounding upon points in such precise detail that her answers resembled pages from a textbook. All of the written tests she'd put together for training were there stapled together. On the last page, however, was a question in Lee's handwriting.

'Are you up for flying? Why or why not? State in detail your reasons.'

She slapped the pen down and stared at the question until Lee came back. "What's with this last question?"

He shrugged. "Thought I'd give you a chance to state your case. No one has asked you directly if you think can do your job, at least not that I'm aware of. Can you? Are you up for it?"

"Am I up for flying? What kind of a moronic question is that? You know damn well I'd be out there if I could and this," she rattled the papers at him, " is busy work." She tossed them down. The pen rolled off the table. "I am up for flying."

"Are you?" He glanced over his shoulder and moved close so that in theory no one would overhear. "What if you have another one of those…what did Athena call them?… _flashback_ things?"

"I won't. I won't have one while flying."

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

"Why? Tell me why you think so."

"Because…out there was the one place he was never with me. Because…I have to be out there. Because…I have to do something besides sit here and watch everyone else. Because…I am up for taking out as many of those frakking toasters as I can." Kara crossed her arms on the table. "Is that good enough, Major?"

"What about the other pilots?"

"What about them? Will I kill them? Will I _get_ them killed? Not intentionally. No more than you will."

There was a shifting in his eyes, as though whatever he'd been concerned about had been addressed. Had he really thought she'd intentionally kill other pilots? Visions of those fights she'd started rose up. Perhaps she'd given him, and everyone else, good reason to think so.

Lee nodded. "Good. Suit up."

"What?" Kara shook her head. "You're putting me out sans permission to do so? That'll go over well with the Old Man."

"No, I'm putting you out because word just came down. The Old Man says you're cleared. You passed your evaluation and he wants you out training and back up to speed as soon as possible. Forty minutes, Starbuck." He stood up straight. "Welcome back and don't be late. I will bust your ass for it like anyone else."

Cleared? But there hadn't been a final evaluation, only her last conversation with Sally. Kara watched Lee walk away and slowly got up from her chair. Adama had ordered her to have that initial evaluation and now he was ordering her back to flight duty? She couldn't be more confused by it, but why look a gift horse in the mouth?


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Fresh Wounds Amid Old Pains  
Chapter 8  
Rating: M for rape and torture  
Disclaimer: No disrespect meant to the creators of Battlestar Galactica.  
Notes: Thank you all for being patient and thank you for reading this work.

* * *

_Bodies heal, Kara, and everything I do will heal eventually.

* * *

_

Lunchtime found Kara meeting with the male doctor. His name was Marshall Willet and he was quick to tell her that he had in no way authorized her release.

"Frankly, Captain Thrace, as far as I'm concerned you need extensive therapy. However, I'm not allowed to keep you off flight duty any longer. I was told that competent Viper pilots are desperately needed and that I _would_ release you for duty, whether or not I deemed you ready." His expression clearly showed what he thought of that order. "Admiral Adama was quite…outspoken."

She remained silent, unable to keep the slight smirk from her lips. They had an excess of pilots, though she supposed the varying levels of competence could come into play. Who cared the reason? The reason didn't matter. She was back.

"How Sally behaved with you was regrettable." He sighed. "I know you're physically fit for duty -- Doctor Cottle weighed in on that during our consultation -- and there is ample evidence that you are dealing with that anger issue. While I am very concerned about the notes Sally made regarding possible other issues, I can do nothing for two reasons. One, her notes were non-specific due to number two, which was your refusal to speak candidly. I have nothing save speculation and as the Admiral pointed out, speculation is no reason to hold you. You are released for full duty, Captain. If in the future you should desire professional aid, I will be available to speak with you."

"Not Sally," she asked.

His stare was hard. "No. Sally is leaving Galactica this afternoon. Good day, Captain."

The meeting had taken no more than ten minutes and Kara went to grab some food. She sat with Helo. No one joined them for the late meal and they were nearly finished when she asked, "Talked to Sam lately?"

He swallowed his bite, then wiped his mouth and sat back. Helo's gaze swept the room and returned to her, a bit more guarded than normal. "Talked yesterday."

He said no more and Kara's lips tightened. She slid her tray to one side. "_Did_ you?"

"Yup. Sure did. Guys do sometimes talk." A tiny curl of a grin tugged his lips in a fleeting movement and was gone.

Kara nodded, waiting for more, but he once again fell silent. Was he being deliberately thick-headed? An irritated sigh left her. "Someone _told_ him, Helo. He was there when I woke up."

It wasn't news to him, she could see it on his face. "What, you think that someone was _me_? I was in the CIC most of the day. I saw him in the morning, since you're so interested. Before anyone even heard something happened." He tapped his cup on the table. "Besides, was Sam being there a bad thing? The man loves you, Kara. He doesn't much talk about it outright, but who looking at him can't _tell_?"

"Is that right?"

He nodded and pushed his chair back, standing. "That's right. Lotta love going on for you with old Sam Anders." Picking up his tray, he asked, "We still sparring later?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe? What's this 'maybe' crap? You'd better be there. Oh, and stop by my quarters later. Sharon has some book for you that she found."

A message was waiting for her when she got back to duty. Kacey's mother wanted to see her. Kara held it, re-reading the words over and over before tossing the paper away. She didn't want to see Kacey and be reminded of how Leoben had used the girl against her. What did Julia want anyway? Kara had thought the woman would have been glad to have her away from Kacey. She thought she would have if _she_ was Julia. Who needed the surrogate mother around to confuse the kid? It could only spell trouble.

The message went ignored, like all of the others. Some day, she'd have to face Kacey, but not yet. She wasn't ready for that yet. Kara sparred with Helo and spent time with Sharon looking at the information she'd found. There was little known about flashbacks and what she read confirmed that Sharon's advice so far had been sound. They debated the information, weighed and measured it and when Helo came in they had strayed off into lighter subjects.

Kara went to the firing range, practicing with a picture of Leoben and feeling tension slip away with each shot right in the center of his forehead. When she slept that night, there were no nightmares.

* * *

Cally was struggling, sweat dripping down her face and her teeth clenched. She let out a strangled grunting noise as she pushed the weights up. The noise quickly turned into a curse, her eyes squeezing shut for a second before she shook her head at Kara. "Don't help me, don't help me, don't help me…." she gritted out. 

Kara held up her hands and raised her brows. "Go for it." She smirked. "Feel the weight, work with it, be --"

"If you tell me to 'be the weight', I swear…" With a grunt, she did another rep, "I'll kick you in the ass."

"You'll try anyway," she returned, noting the strain on Cally's face and the increasing shaking of her arms. Cally had relaxed around her to the point of being able to exchange a friendly insult now and then, usually when she was tiring from the workout and becoming irritable. Grasping the weights, Kara put them on the stand. "You're a lot stronger than you think."

Cally took the towel Kara handed her and blotted it against her face. "So are you."

The words were so soft that Kara wouldn't have been sure Cally had spoken if she hadn't seen her lips move. She crouched down, looking at her. "What's that supposed to mean," she asked with a tilt of her head.

She stretched with the towel the way Kara had shown her. "What I mean is that none of us ever know how strong we really are until we need that strength." Cally kept stretching and Kara waited for a further explanation. After a long moment, one came. "We all have strengths, weaknesses, but we also can't see our biggest strengths a lot of times. Sometimes where we think we're the weakest is where we're the strongest." She stopped stretching and shrugged a shoulder. "It was _supposed_ to be a compliment."

"A compliment?" She couldn't help the dubious tone. It had sounded more like a cheerleader encouragement than a plain compliment.

"Frak, yeah." A tiny grin lingered on Cally's lips, but now her expression shifted. She was afraid she'd offended, Kara could see it in her eyes.

"So you think I have a strength in me I don't see?"

"Sure."

The idea of that -- that Cally thought her strong in ways she couldn't consider -- was…sweet. Wrong, but sweet. Kara knew exactly what her strengths were and weren't. "Thanks, I guess." She stood. "Get on out of here. We're cutting it short this morning."

* * *

Sam didn't seek her out when she was awake, though a few people made a mention of him stopping by while she slept to find out how she was. After days of this, her curiosity got the better of her. Leaving meant leaving, which meant…definitely not what Sam was doing. So what _was _he doing? Various possibilities swirled in her mind, but only Sam himself could enlighten her and so Kara looked for him. It took her hours to find him and once she had, she stood out of his sight a moment watching him. 

He was at a table working on something, his pen scratching at the paper. As she watched, he shook his head and scratched something out, then raised his hand to his mouth, rubbing his thumb along his lower lip. Her attention lingered there.

She recalled kissing him and being at ease with doing so. Would she ever reach that place again? Could she even _function_ as a sexual being anymore? Kara hadn't considered the possibility lately, more concerned with other parts of life, but now…. Could that part of her be healed as well? Could she forget how Leoben had assaulted her and simply…enjoy?

With a shake of her head, Kara stepped into his sightline. "You came back."

Sam looked up and there was no way Kara could miss the hope that flashed in his eyes before he covered it up. "Yeah well…. Word travels quickly. I couldn't _not_ be there, Kara. You're still my wife." The pen was set to one side.

Stepping close, she sat on the table -- on the papers he was working on -- and swung one leg. "I thought you were filing papers. I thought you were wanting a divorce. Gods know you acted like it. You _said_ you were going to file. You said a couple weeks or months."

His hand stretched out, fingers grazing hers and hand finally resting beside hers. His gaze held hers without a flinch or sense of guilt within. "I'd had this crazy idea you'd stop me; that you'd say something. It hurt when you actually let me walk out."

"So…. Why did you come back then?" She needed to hear his reason, to know the answer to that question. Kara drank in the sight of him, realizing that she had wanted to see him. She'd wanted to hear his voice and visually feast upon his form.

"Why are you here asking why," he countered. "I mean, it seems to me that if you honestly didn't care, then you wouldn't have come to find me. It wouldn't bother you that I was there at all and it wouldn't have bothered you that I was on that floor without a blanket. Thanks for that by the way. The floor was pretty cold after awhile. You _do_ still care, Kara."

"I never said I didn't."

"You wanted me gone right then, so I left."

"And you can't stay away, is that it, Sammy?"

His hand grasped hers, thumb rubbing. "You're my wife. I miss you, love you…. Besides, it occurred to me that making a decision like that when we were both emotionally wrung out wasn't the brightest of ideas. We need discussion, not screaming at each other. Something that big should be a well thought out mutual decision. Then, when I heard about…" One shoulder shrugged. "I dropped everything to be there for you. "

Her hand raised, fingers sweeping across his cheekbone, then along his jaw. There was a little bit of stubble there, prickly against her fingertips. Familiar and tickling. He had dropped everything….

He turned his face into her hand, his eyes closing for a brief moment and then re-opening. "Damn, I've missed you, baby," he whispered. His glance fell to her mouth, the tip of his tongue wetting his upper lip. Sam wanted to kiss her. The desire was displayed there on his features yet he held himself back. Why? Because he was still doing what she wanted.

Did she want his kiss? Yes, she decided.

Kara wanted to kiss him. She wanted to feel him kissing her. Right then, Kara wanted that touch, only on _her_ terms, not his. Leaning over, she pressed her lips to his for a few seconds. Drawing back a fraction, she whispered, "No hands," before again pressing her mouth to his. Sam went very still, letting her kiss how she wanted, following her order not to touch her. She kissed him slowly, tentatively, hoping he wouldn't decide to embrace her or hold her. He didn't. Kara kissed him harder, leaning closer, forcing his head back. She tore her hand from his, slid it into his hair and gripped hard, using that grip to turn his head. Sam made a noise of protest, still not touching her, so Kara relaxed her grip slightly, letting herself feel each sensation. His hair in her hand, silky and thick. The scent of soap that clung to his skin. His response that bordered on careful. The taste of coffee on his tongue and something sweet. Chocolate?

And her own control.

_She_ was in control. Kara cupped his face with both hands and ended the kiss. With her eyes closed, she rested her forehead against his. Kara Thrace had the control here and no one else. The power of it surged through her veins in a heady rush.

"Are hands allowed now," he asked in a husky whisper.

Kara laughed. Sam's hands touched her wrists, caressing, not encircling. He touched without giving the impression of ownership she had sometimes felt with Leoben. Sam kissed the corner of her mouth, then kissed a line across her cheek

"Do you want me out of your life?" His breath was warm at her ear. "Because we can work through this. I'm willing to try. Tell you what…we'll see what happens, okay? Take things slow, get to know each other again."

"How can you still want me knowing what Leoben did?"

"What he did doesn't change how I see you. You are still the beautiful, sexy, smart, amazing woman I married. Nothing anyone does will change that. Beneath it all you are still who you were."

Kara shook her head. "No, I'm not, Sam --"

"The core of a person doesn't change, not even with what you've gone through. You're still in there somewhere, Kara. You will find yourself again."

She rested her hands on his shoulders. His hands slid up her arms to cradle her shoulders in a half embrace. Learning she was back on flight duty had eased some of the tension inside her, as had hearing that she was done with those sessions. Kara had thought parts of her life were over and that had turned out to not be the case. Could her marriage also apply? Was there really something left for them? Sam obviously seemed to think so. Could they make a go of it, like they had on New Caprica?

Or would there always be a shadow of Leoben there standing over them?

How would she know if they didn't even try? They had been happy before, so didn't it stand to reason that they could be again?

Opening her eyes, she made one more decision. "Come on, honey, let's get reacquainted."

Sam frowned. "Are you sure? Isn't it…I don't know…_soon_?"

Standing, she took his hand in hers. "We'll find out."

Sam was willing to try and she told him straight away that this would go her way or not at all. He accepted the ultimatum with a nod, seeming to realize her very real need to control this from start to finish, wherever they ended.

With his boots outside the door to her bunkroom, they were soon on her bed, clothing flung all over the room. Sam laid on his back, giving her the control of the moment, and Kara straddled him, leaning over him. She let a tiny part of her desire him, feeling her way back into that state. Tiny baby steps. His hands were on her bare hips….

_Leoben's hands on her hips from behind, one arm snaking around her waist with lightning quickness before he tugged, jerking her back against him. His arm was as unyielding as a steel cable holding her._

She paused, shaking her head. Her eyes opened and she stared down at Sam, gaze touching upon his features, reassuring herself who was with her. When nothing more came, she again bent her head, nibbling along his neck. He groaned, squeezing her hips with gentle presses.

_Leoben groaned, breath hot against her neck, his lips grazing_.

Stop it, she ordered herself. Ignore it. It's not real. _This_ is real. Sam is real. Enjoy _this_.

Kara began to kiss Sam with a renewed enthusiasm, trying to make new memories to force the old away. Out with the old, in with the new. Wasn't that how the saying went? Wasn't that how it should be? He took her lead and there was no doubt in her mind that he was enjoying himself. Too bad she couldn't let herself be fully in the moment because even as she tried, memories rose to the surface, razing the new memories and making themselves once more known. They didn't want to go away and let her be.

_Leoben's stomach brushing hers as his weight settled onto her. His hands clasping her wrists so tightly that it felt as though he was crushing her bones. His gaze boring into hers. _

She buried her face in Sam's shoulder, letting out a frustrated growl when her mind would not cooperate, instead bringing forth another image.

_Wrestling with Leoben, trying to reach the knife he'd knocked from her hand. Her sprained wrist aching, yet still she fought, screaming from the pain when he deliberately twisted her injured wrist._

"Kara? What's wrong?"

_His mouth on hers, demanding and hard, refusing to believe she wouldn't respond how he wanted._

"No, no, no…" She sat up. Not now, she thought. Please not now. Her hands shook and her mouth was dry. Sam's body tensed under hers and he raised up onto his elbows. "Not now. Go away," she whispered. Kara covered her face with her hands, then her forearms, shaking her head back and forth under that cover.

_Herself, telling him she loved him. Reaching up and tugging his head down to hers so he wouldn't suspect the sliver of glass she had hidden on the floor beneath her sweatshirt. _

Images swirled over and over before her eyes, there and yet not at the same time. Kara counted to herself, lowered her arms and looked back and forth at objects on her shelf in as random a manner as possible and while it seemed to quell the flashback for the moment, she suspected the reprieve was very temporary. How long before it came back? Too soon. She'd pushed herself too soon, hadn't she?

My punishment, Kara thought. Action and consequence. My punishment.

She needed something to ground her, but what? Squinting, she tried to remember what Sharon had shown her in that book. Kara dug her teeth into her lower lip.

"What do you need? Kara, what do I do?" A touch of panic on Sam's voice and she felt the gentle pass of his fingers along her sides and then arms. "Just tell me."

Kara tasted blood.

"Gods, you're bleeding," he whispered, fingers wiping at her chin.

Touch. Sam's touch. Use him to ground, she told herself, swinging off of him and wiping her chin with the back of her hand. "Hold me. Don't let go." Without waiting to hear his consent, she settled next to him, placing her head on his shoulder and an arm over his waist. "Don't move, or ask questions or…anything." Next, she hooked a foot around his calf.

Kara braced herself for what she knew would be coming: the horrible sensation of losing herself into the black pit of memory. Scenes, fragments at least, swirled in her mind, but she felt safe, connected to the present by Sam's calf at her foot, his body along hers, his hands at her arm and shoulder. His breath, his body…all physically in the present and therefore, so was she. Leoben could not drag her back to him. He could not hold her prisoner on Galactica as he had on New Caprica.

She wasn't losing herself in the burgeoning memory. Through the smell of that cologne Leoben liked to the sound of his voice she was in the present. The difference between now and before sent relief scurrying through her body.

This she could bear. This she could handle. There was no sense of drowning, of being unable to help herself. She felt that she even had a sort of power in it. With Sam as her grounding point -- safely wrapped in his warm embrace -- Kara let the memory come.

At first it was only olfactory and auditory. She heard the sounds of movement and voices, smelled new construction, fresh paint, air freshener, cologne. The visual came gradually, yet it didn't entirely encompass her this time. She could look and know it was only the past. It could not actively physically hurt her. Any sense of touch was just her body reacting to the strong violent memory of her captivity. Kara could keep that in the forefront of her thoughts.

Knowing all of that didn't negate the horror, the degradation, or the pain, but it did make it slightly easier to bear.

This too will pass, she thought. It will all pass eventually.

The scent of Leoben's cologne was strong, his voice becoming clearer until she was there, with him in the past.

"…_and here I've put away all of your clothes."_

_Disbelief worked through her, mingling with her anger and the tiny touch of fear she was allowing herself to acknowledge. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. This was all a bad dream. Leoben spread open a curtained niche in the wall, revealing clothes hanging on a rod and folded on shelves. There were probably more in the drawers at the bottom. Did he really think of those clothes as hers? Did he have some full-blown delusional scenario laid out in his…circuits?_

_Leoben took one dress out, a slinky green thing that would mold to her every curve should she ever be insane enough to put it on "I think I got the sizes right. I was working with what I thought your measurements should be based on when we undressed you on Caprica for the hospital gown. I should have looked more carefully at your clothes then, but…hindsight. Some of these might be a little tight or loose, but let me know and I'll have them retailored for you. I don't want you uncomfortable, Kara."_

_She blinked. "You're frakking kidding me." He **was** delusional._

"_Pardon?" He looked at her, gave the green dress a dubious glance and tossed it in the general direction of the straight-backed chair. "The green won't suit you, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking." He took a different dress from the closet -- a purple one._

"_You don't think. You're a machine. Machines don't have brains."_

"_Don't be cranky, Kara." He held the dress up in her direction, squinting as though imagining her in it. "I think the purple is much better."_

"_I am **not** wearing any of these."_

"_Of course you will. In time."_

"_You can't make me." The last sounded like a petulant child and she didn't particularly care._

_His glance returned to her, expression hardening for long seconds, before relaxing, his smile almost charming as he stretched his arm out and put the dress back. "Now you're being ridiculous. They're only clothes, Kara. Does it matter where they came from or who gave them to you? They're pieces of cloth, nothing more."_

_She shivered though the room was rather warm._

_Leoben ran a hand along the shelves. "These are for everyday. Pants, shirts on the shelves and bras, panties and socks in the drawers. Everything you need. I **will** take care of you. I promise you that, Kara. You'll have everything you need. The dresses are for later."_

"_You're deluded."_

This was when it had started, the detached part of her thought. This was where the physical cycle between them had begun. He had wasted no time with his 'lessons'. Lesson one right here: she would wear what he gave her.

The memory skipped forward, a good portion of their conversation missing from what she was re-experiencing.

"_You can't make me wear them."_

_He moved closer, Kara's body tensing from the air of danger that rose higher with each step he took. "Is that a challenge?"_

"_It's a fact. I would rather wear the same clothes for months, mired in my own sweat and dirt, than wear anything you bring me."_

_She had just enough time to register movement on his part before she was sucked into unconsciousness. It was an aching unconsciousness, the dark a seething malignant spot where she could not move or breathe and when she tried, sharp jags of pain cut through her. The darkness eased gradually, the room coming back into focus slowly._

_Kara was cold, body trembling. Her chest and stomach both ached as she breathed and there was a bruised sensation between her legs. Her gaze found Leoben. He was standing and it took a moment for her to realize that she was on the bed. He was dressing and whistling as he did so. She pushed herself up to a sitting position, confused to find herself naked. Where were her clothes? Her temples throbbed. What had happened? Black spots still danced in her vision. She couldn't remember, but there was only one conclusion she could draw._

_He sighed. "First times are always so awkward. Next time will be better, I'm sure." His hand curved about her neck. He leaned down, placing a casual kiss on her upper cheekbone and released her. "Take your time getting re-dressed. I'm sure you'll find something you like in the closet." He waved a hand that direction. "I'm going to start dinner. Something special for our first night together. How do you like your steak?"_

_She stared at him, slowly drawing up her legs and hugging them to her chest._

_Leoben smiled that chilling charming smile. "I prefer mine medium rare. I'll surprise you." At the door he paused, looking back at her. "I love you, Kara Thrace. We're going to be happy here."_

_She sat and rocked back and forth until the cold became too much for her. When she stood, she saw blood on the sheets and shook her head over and over. It didn't happen. Her stomach churned and she gagged on dry heaves, coughing. It couldn't have happened…. She showered, scrubbing until her skin felt raw, and when she went to dress, she found that the clothes she'd been wearing were all torn. They looked like an animal had been at them, shredded into strips. Each thing. Pants, shirt, underwear. The strength it took to do that to sturdy cloth…. They could not be mended. She would have to wear the clothes he'd put away for her. Whether she liked it or not._

_Kara took clothes from the closet and_….

She had convinced herself it had not happened. The same thing she did all of the other times. Had his first rape of her been an afterthought of the lesson once her clothes were ripped from her and unsalvageable? Once she was naked and splayed out unconscious? Or had it been planned? He had left her so bruised that it had hurt to move.

Weariness grasped her with needy fingers, enticing her to drift straight into sleep, but Kara fought it. She blinked and breathed slowly until the present was once more firm around her. Sitting, she looked down at Sam. He watched her right back, remaining still.

He swallowed, licked his lips. "You were trembling. Crying."

"I know."

"Was that what it was like that day in the shower?" He eased up to a sitting position.

"You'd have to ask Sharon, Lee or Racetrack. I don't remember." She tucked her hair behind her ears and reached for her clothes. "I want you to leave." Kara dressed quickly and when Sam was almost dressed and drawing on his shirt, she added, "For tonight. Just…tonight. I don't know if I can be your wife again, Sam. I don't know if I can be that person. Frak, for that matter I don't know if I can ever -- "

"Let's just take it slow this time around. No thinking you _should_ be anything or that you _should_ be ready for this or that."

Kara nodded, crossed her arms and studied him. He looked proud of himself and a tiny suspicion grew in her mind. "You've been reading."

"It's something I do to pass the time occasionally."

She snorted.

"I do sometimes read, Kara." Sam didn't look upset by the scoff though. "Look, I asked around. I put out a lot of hypothetical questions and got some answers. I want us to work and I'll do what it takes to make that happen." He tilted his head to one side and glanced askance at her. "I'm not giving up on us. No more talk of divorce. We can take it slow and I'm good with that."

She kissed him good night before he left and didn't flinch when his mouth lingered on hers. That meant progress, right?

Days passed and she once more settled into a routine, this time including Sam. He would eat dinner with her, sit in on a few card games and leave when she tired enough to go to bed, but over the hours, she began to notice that he and Lee avoided each other. When they _were_ in close proximity of one another, they each gave the other wary glances and sometimes barely concealed snarls. At first, Kara thought it was her imagination. It soon became clear that it wasn't, however. Sam would put his arm around her the second Lee walked in. He would hold her hand and would, by his actions, let Lee know whose wife she was. Before and after Lee's presence, he seemed content to be 'Mr. Thrace'; to even laugh about being dubbed so by the pilots.

Something was brewing and Kara didn't have a clear enough idea what to head it off. She hated not knowing what was going on. Sam never mentioned Lee at all and Lee avoided her as much as possible outside of daily shifts. While he'd begun to tease her again -- and her right back -- there was still a guarded sense to their exchanges, as though Lee wasn't sure how much of himself to give.

As she observed the two, she wondered if Sam had come to realize what had happened between her and Lee those long months ago. Had he confronted Lee about it instead of confronting her? Was that the cause of the animosity rearing up? Because Sam and Lee had always seemed to get along fine until recently. She recalled Sam half hugging Lee as he'd told Lee their news that day on New Caprica.

She didn't have long to wait for an explanation. Lee was waiting the next morning in the gym, explaining that he'd sent Cally away and wanted to have a word with her alone. They settled in to a workout. Twenty minutes later, she was still waiting for him to talk.

"You want to talk, Lee, then talk."

"Okay. I forgive you, Kara."

She set the weight down, blinked several times. "You what?"

"I forgive you. Never thought I'd say that either. I'd settled in to be pissed at you, but I can't keep it going. I mean, you had something I can't even really imagine happen to you and it makes my anger pretty trivial, wouldn't you say? It changes a lot of things, doesn't it?" He kept doing bicep curls, not looking in her direction. "So I forgive you. I am _choosing_ to let go of what happened between us."

She nodded. "Right. Sure. Choosing." Kara stood and stepped towards him. "Why now? Why this dramatic gesture all of a sudden; the big 'I forgive you' moment?"

"You know why." Lee set his weight aside and stood facing her. "You have enough to deal with without me making things harder. I want to be friends, Kara."

"Aren't we friends already?"

"We were once." His hand touched her arm, then slid away. "I'd like to be again." Lee's gaze touched on her marriage tattoo and slid away. Guilt simmered in his gaze. "I know you can't offer anything else."

"Right. Did you and Sam get into it?"

He laughed, shook his head. "Not exactly. We've developed an…understanding. Truthfully, Kara, I don't want to like Sam, but I do. He's a likeable guy, although we'll never be friends and you know why. He's your husband and that's just how it is. I won't --" He broke off, swallowed and cleared his throat. "I won't --" Lee sighed and raised his gaze back to hers. Determination tinged with sadness had replaced the guilt. "I am your friend and colleague and I will have your back when you need me to."

The pronouncement, so firm, so passionate, brought a sting of tears to her eyes and Kara blinked away the urge to let them slide free. Honorable Lee doing what he thought was right and true. She shook her head. "Lee…." What could she even say?

"What happened between us happened." His hands chafed up and down her bare arms. "It can't be undone and I won't promise not to love you, because it's pretty much impossible at this point. What I will promise is this: I will be the best friend I can be. Whatever comes and whenever it comes, I will have your back."

Meaning wrapped along the words. He meant the consequences, didn't he? He was not referring to battle, but rather to their tryst out in the wilds of New Caprica. He would shield her from the consequences if he could. She should tell him no, insist that he leave her to the consequences that were to be hers some day in the future. Instead, Kara let him hug her and embraced him in return. Burned bridges could be rebuilt, but what about those things…people…scorched around that bridge? Would those scorch marks remain forever?

So Sam and Lee had an understanding. How had that occurred? What had been said and by whom? She pondered it the rest of the day, coming to no conclusions. Sam's behavior didn't change, nor did Lee's that evening and she almost wondered what Sam would say if she asked him about Lee. The wondering remained in the back of her mind, until she and Sam were alone, sitting across from each other on her bed and playing a touch game. With their hands together, palms touching, she would slide a hand up his arm and to his face or across his chest and when she returned her hand to his, he would copy the movement. It was slow and careful and at the first instance of discomfort she could stop it quickly.

Kara slid her hand along his arm, fingers pausing on his tattoo, tracing the lines of it. "Did you talk to Lee?"

"Yes," he replied without hesitation. "I have eyes. I'm not blind. I know damn well there was something between you, though he didn't confirm or deny."

Her heart beat fast and hard in her chest and she dragged her fingertips up to his shoulder. She could see her fingers shaking and kept her attention fixed firmly there rather than look into his eyes.

"I'm not sure _exactly_ how long, though I'm guessing it was going on while you and I were seeing each other, but before our marriage. Why before? Because I know you take vows seriously. Why during? Because I'm not stupid. The sexual tension between the two of you was so high I'm surprised you didn't spontaneously combust from it."

Her throat was desert dry. Her fingers returned to his tattoo, again tracing the design. It had been her idea to have the tattoos. "Sam--"

"Let me finish."

Kara returned her hand to his, palm against his and he began the copied touch, even slower than she had moved. Inch by slow inch, his fingers slid up her arm to her tattoo. His voice was matter-of-fact, without the steely anger she'd thought he'd have on the subject.

"I was going to surprise you in the gym this morning. We used to work out together, so I figured it'd be like old times. It'd be a return to normalcy, something familiar. Imagine my surprise when I heard Lee Adama talking instead of Cally. It took a minute to process. But I listened and I looked in and I saw his expression, Kara. Sad. Wistful. Like he knew that whatever window of opportunity was there with you was long gone and he was mourning for it. Whatever there was is over." He traced the design. "For now, at least."

Her glance finally raised to his face. His expression was peaceful.

"I _knew_, Kara. You don't need to pretend it didn't happen. I knew that morning that you had frakked Lee Adama behind my back. Your reactions to each other. That sick look on his face. You wear your emotions so close to the surface. You pretended so I pretended."

"It was once, Sam," she interrupted.

"It wasn't a secret, but I can accept it happened because you chose _me_ to marry and that's got to mean something. You chose me and not him. And I chose you, knowing everything that I know."

"You don't know _everything_," she whispered.

"I know enough. I know you chose me to come back to. You may not love me like you love him, but you married _me_." He slid his arm up so that their tattoos were one design. "And I've decided that I'm not going to go away. I'm going to be here and I'm going to hold those vows we made. I'm not Leoben to imprison you, Kara. I won't force my company on you if you don't want it, but you _did_ choose me." His free hand curved around her fingers, squeezed. "You didn't choose Lee Adama, or Leoben even. You chose me. I'm yours."

She touched his back, rested the flat of her hand there. "Why do you still want me, Sam? I'm damaged."

"I love you."

As if it was that simple. She had expected him to be furious and found acceptance instead. He was willing to wait, to step back and let her lead at her own pace. He was too good to be true and Kara wondered how long until he forgot his resolution. How soon until Sam's temper flared up and he'd had enough of Kara Thrace? He didn't ask if she loved him; didn't press her to say it. Sam was simply there, patiently waiting. Her husband.

Kara licked her lips, loosed her hand from his and touched his face, sweeping her thumb along his cheekbone. "Okay. We'll work on us."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah, Sammy. We'll give it a go."

They would feel out their relationship. Maybe it would work and maybe it wouldn't. Maybe she could settle back into being a wife and maybe not. But they would try. She and Sam would try to patch their marriage.

Several days later, Adama invited her to have dinner with him. A private meeting between them had been a long time coming and Kara was both nervous and wary of this visit, making sure she was on time and dressed neatly. Their chit-chat was awkward, as though he too couldn't find the former tone of their relationship. That seemed to be the case with all of her relationships. None were anything close to what they had once been and some still surprised her by what they had become.

Sitting across from him and working her way through her food, Kara was struck by how weathered he appeared, more so than the last time they'd had casual time together. When had that moment been? When had they honestly had casual time? Months, she realized. It had been long months, sometime during the colonization of New Caprica.

"It's been a long time since we've talked and I've missed that. Tell me how you are, Kara."

"I'm breathing," she quipped with a grin, then cleared her throat and swallowed hard, returning her gaze to her plate and shrugging. "I'm taking it day by day."

He took a bite, chewed and swallowed. "And how are those days? Good? Rough? How've they been for you?"

"A little bit of both. Some days it's a struggle just getting out of bed and facing the day, but I do it anyway." There were a few minutes of silence as they ate. Several times, Kara opened her mouth to speak and closed it again without saying a word. "May I ask…" she began, then trailed off and couldn't figure out how to end the sentence. She was still intensely curious about why he'd put her back on flight duty. "Flight duty?"

He took his glasses off, rubbed wearily at his eyes and put the glasses back on before steepling his fingers together and resting his elbows on the table. "My decision regarding your status?"

"Yeah." Kara set her fork down. "I've been wondering about that. I never had a final session, so how could I have passed?"

A sigh escaped his lips and he shook his head. "No, you may not ask. Not today. Today I don't feel like answering that question."

"I could be a danger to others."

He chuckled. "To Cylons, Kara, not to us." He gestured to her plate. "Food's best hot."

Kara excused herself soon after dinner, claiming fatigue, but the truth was that she was too uncomfortable. She no longer felt at ease with him and his decision still baffled her. What had he seen or heard that gave him the certainty he had? Why were they all so sure she wasn't going to gun them all down? Some days she felt like doing just that. Some days her rage at Leoben spilled over and she had to take time by herself to work out the anger. She took her anger to the gym and let it out there. She focused on preparing herself for their future meeting, driving herself, trying to separate the rest of the crew from her temper.

And some days Kara didn't think she'd ever feel anything right again. Every emotion was screwed up and she couldn't trust anyone. Love and hate got mixed up and she didn't know if she was crying from sadness or anger. Some days she had to take seven or eight showers to feel clean and other days she could go without. Her nightmares and flashbacks came in cycles and she could recognize that and begin to accept it. She could recognize that taking care of her body and mind meant good nutrition, good exercise and knowing her own limits. When she pushed herself, her mind pushed back. She could accept that she was going to have flashbacks and nightmares. They were going to come and maybe someday they would even pass. For now though, they were a part of her days and nights.

Kara wondered if she'd miss them when they were gone.

Somewhere along the line, Kara stopped lurching from one thought of Leoben to the next. She could carry on a conversation without imagining him behind her or remembering him in some way. Leoben was no longer in every thought of every day. Not that she _never_ had thoughts of him, for she did. They had lessened though. He was not the singular part of her day.

She was moving on.

She had been the best once and would be again. She'd been somewhat normal once, easy to laugh, joke and socialize. She would be all of that again. It would take time and effort to recover each piece of her that still lay broken around her feet and it would be a painful, gut-wrenching hell to do so, but the process was begun. Kara had jumped the first few hurdles in that course and somewhere there would be an end. Somehow, someway, someday.

_The lesson is not over until I tell you it is._

Leoben had won a round in that dance between them, but that was all. Kara was taking back her soul, her life. Leoben had not defeated her. Whatever his real intentions, he had only made her stronger. Each piece she returned to herself was hard-won and added strength to her. With every day that passed, she had a purpose and she healed.

_I do love you….The complete release of that pain into the sea of the past…_

She went to see Kacey, facing the girl, acknowledging how Leoben had used them both. Acknowledging the pain of it; the hurt and betrayal. She hugged Kacey and could let her go. She could talk to Julia and see that the woman thought she had been good for Kacey during those days on New Caprica. And Kara knew she could walk away and release that time to memory. She could regain one more piece of herself.

_The pain of the moment is gone._

There were ups and downs and she was far from healed, but Kara had learned Leoben's lesson on pain. Pain was a process like anything else and no matter how hard it was to go through, it would eventually end. It, too, would pass. Could he take his own advice when they met again?

She looked forward to finding out.

Giving Kacey one last hug, she got up and returned to duty.

_Lesson over, Kara Thrace. Class dismissed._

**The end.**


End file.
